Alpha, Not

Chapter 1

<A/N: Warning, this chapter contains slight suicidal ideation and brief mention of rape.>

Chapter 1

Pete

After my breakdown at the council when Levi died, Alpha Andrew brought me back to his pack to try and put me back together again. Everyone said he was crazy and that I should be banished and made rogue, but he somehow thinks I'm redeemable. That's what I've been told anyway. I don't remember too much of what's happened since I arrived.

I'm not even sure how long I've been here; but it's been quite a while though. I do know that it's been several weeks at least. I can tell that by how weak I've become and how much weight I've lost during my stay. They tell me that I've just been laying here staring blankly at the ceiling this whole time but I don't remember any of it.

I guess I was vaguely aware that people had been coming and going around me; my mom mostly, she comes to sit with me every day. Another person, I've come to find out is the pack doctor Jarvis Richards, has been in to check on me every day as well -- if for no other resaon than to make sure that I'm still breathing I guess. Other people bring food; sometimes I eat it, sometimes I don't.

During all that time, there were only two things on my mind. Two things that were stuck repeating in an endless loop; repeating over and over again in my mind.

The first was a memory of rejecting Jaxon.

"I, Alpha Pete of White River, reject you, Jaxon Archer as my mate. I, Alpha Pete of White River, reject you, Jaxon Archer as my mate. I, Alpha Pete of White River, reject you, Jaxon Archer as my mate."

You get the idea.

The second thing was Levi praying to the Moon Goddess: "I renounce my life with my human Pete Danver of the White River pack."

I keep reliving that moment as well. He had hated me so much that he wanted to die. I felt it. I've never felt such loathing as he felt towards me at that moment. To be sure, I deserved it; I caused him so much pain by rejecting Jaxon and then ordering my men to rape him.

Sometimes I hate myself as much as Levi hated me and there are days that I don't want to live myself. More days than I care to admit to anyone. If I could will myself out of existence the way Levi did, on those days I would, in a heartbeat. The pain of losing Levi was overwhelming.

My rejection of Jaxon lead directly to Levi abandoning me. Hence the two thoughts, intertwined, replaying again and again and again.

Everything that happened, all of it... no mate, no wolf, no pack; was my fault.

I had been a failure as an Alpha. Up until Jaxon showed up as my mate I had always tried to be a good leader, but what sort of leader does that to someone? Especially when that someone is their mate?

It may seem that all I'm only thinking about is myself and my current woes, but actually, I can't help but think about all the others I've harmed as well. Because of me, my actions, my words, my pride, so many people have been hurt; Jaxon first and foremost, then the members of my pack, my family, and Jaxon's family. Goddess, what a mess I've made. I neglected my duties to them all and as a result my pack, that I had worked so hard for up until then, was weaker and had begun to fall apart with many members leaving the pack. Terrence had his work cut out for him to bring it back to where it had been before all my mishandling of it.

Looking back, not only did I put Jaxon through hell, but his poor sister; Goddess, the things that poor girl had to endure because of me. The weight of taking care of her older brother had fallen on her shoulders. I owed her as much of an apology as I owe to Jaxon.

I have to ask myself if I am really redeemable like Alpha Andrew thinks? I'm not so sure that I am.

There are a lot of things that I need to apologize for, but most of them are impossible to make. I can't apologize to Jaxon; not because I don't want to, but any contact from me will most certainly be unwelcome. Even an apology. It might even traumatize him more than I've already traumatized him. It is best that he just forget about me and I live with the guilt, unforgiven, of what I did to him.

The same goes for Jaxon's parents and sister. Contact with me would be unwelcome to them as well.

I can't apologize to Levi; he's gone.

I can't apologize to my old pack; again, any contact with them would just cause problems for Terrence, their new Alpha. About the only person I can possibly apologize to and not cause more problems would be Terrence. We were best friends and he was my Beta. He's about the only one I can apologize to who wouldn't be traumatized or end up with more problems as a result of an apology from me. That may not even be welcome given the state I had left the pack in and the work he is left with.

<Several months later>

I'm still not sure how long it's been, but I'm finally starting to take an interest in living and the things going around me again; not that I think there's a lot worth living for at the moment. Life as a human seems so... mundane.

Alpha Andrew has started dragging me out to the daily training exercises with the warriors; but I don't see much point in that. My human strength is not nearly what it was before. Training does occupy my mind though, getting me out of my self defeating thoughts, and I suppose that is a good thing.

He's also convinced me to start seeing the pack's psychologist, Everett Slate, three times a week. Talking with him has actually been helping, which is surprising. I've always thought of therapy as... well, I don't know. It's not what I expected. Everett (he told me to call him Everett) listens without judgment and talking to him helps me understand some of the things that I was keeping inside that lead me to take the actions I did. Not that any of it was justified, but I'm beginning to come to terms with my own insecurities that I wasn't even aware I held.

My reasons for rejecting my mate were due to my feelings of inadequacy about myself and wanting to appear to be a strong Alpha. A male mate, and an Omega at that, didn't fit into my picture of what strong means.

It turns out that between Jaxon and me though, he was the strong one. He was able to accept himself for who and what he was. He survived everything I did to him and in the end, he came out even stronger. I can't even think of him without wanting to crawl into a hole and pull it in after me.

I had thought that I was the strong one. The big, strong, Alpha. Yet, I am the one who lost everything in the end - and it was all my own doing. Because I couldn't accept my sexuality, because I couldn't accept an Omega as a mate, a male Omega at that, I lost everything.

When I say it like that, it sounds a lot like self pity. That isn't how I feel though. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions. To do that, I need to understand why I did it, and to be honest, as I've stated before, there is little I can do now to make amends. My presence in the lives of any of those I hurt will only make their lives worse, not better. The hardest things to deal with is that I can't say "I'm sorry" to anybody without causing them more harm.