Pale Blue Eyes

One.

Los Angeles, California. September 19th, 1985.

Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground

Today I am either making the best or worst decision of my life. I'm still not quite sure. I finally am doing what I have wanted for as long as I could remember, moving to the city. By that I mean Los Angeles. I'm hoping everything will go as planned, but I know that there are two people who could ruin it all. Two people who used to mean everything to me, but whose actions destroyed me.

I have a cousin, Baylee, here, who asked her boss if I could get a job at her own place of work. Her and I have never been close by any means, but only because of distance. The position is temporary, just until I can get back on my own two feet. That, along with the money I have saved from my old job at the record store in my city. I made sure to get everything in order before even coming down here. I have a job and an apartment, which is not the best. It's only redeeming factor is that it is located right where everything is happening, the Sunset Strip.

For someone who is hard of hearing, I have a surprising obsession with music. I have no talent when it comes to anything in that category, but I do enjoy it more than anything else in my life. It was my connection to everything else in a way. If I needed help identifying an emotion I was experiencing, or just needed to relate to someone other than myself, music was there. Being as closed off as I am, it was the reason I was able to form any connections with my friends.

I knew that everything that happened with music was happening down on the Strip. Because of my love for it, I made it my goal to finish school and move down here to make a life for myself. This was not intended to be a solo plan; it original included my two best friends, but they left before I could. This added to the amount of time I had to stay in Lafayette. Instead of splitting rent three ways, it was only one. I couldn't leave right after high school for this reason and instead found myself working full time at our local record shop.

When they left me, it felt like a literal knife in the back, and it's not even what hurts the most. I can understand they had dreams to chase and didn't want to miss their chance. I respect it and I'm happy for them, but they never even tried to keep in touch. They never even attempted. I made sure I wouldn't miss their call by waiting next to the phone all day. One day they were here and the next they were gone. I never received an explanation for the expedited departure. They never told me why they never asked me to come or when I would be coming. This made it clear to me that I didn't mean as much to me as I thought I did. I have made my peace with it over the last three years, but I know facing them would be a completely different story.

The truth is, I will always love them. I will extend myself for their well-being every single time, but I could never be the first one to reach out. I'm too hurt and embarrassed. I didn't realize that I didn't hold a permanent place in their lives the way they did in mine. It shattered my heart to feel so unimportant, second-rate to them.

Eventually, I have moved past it enough to make the move for myself. I found it hard to have the motivation to make a change as large as this one with no one in my corner, but it was necessary. I didn't have the support system I relied on anymore, so there was nothing holding me back. I was on my own and once I was able to accept that it's just what my reality was, I was able to get everything done. I'm okay with being alone and I have accepted the fact that I'm not going to receive the care I want. I'm okay with it now.

Walking into my apartment, I feel a mix of surprise and pride. It's nothing extravagant, but it is nicer than I expected it to be. It's a total shock to see something you've worked so hard and long for actually happen. Don't get me wrong, I know this isn't a particularly difficult feat for the average person. But after being told I would never amount to anything my entire life, I couldn't be more ecstatic.