Journal of a Tragic Night!

A new and better perspective

Going through all of this has made me realize and find out that this is the reason why I was put on this earth. To be a role model for all those girls who have be sexual violated or abused. I realized now that I think that Tanner was sent to me from God as my one and only charity case. Well maybe not my only charity case but my biggest one. When I was a freshmen I thought that I had obtained all that I needed so far in life. I had a great grandmother who was a major Christian that made me still have a little bit of faith in god but not enough to give myself up to him. An uncle who was great with computers, Being able to understand Tanner since he was into computers. A stong influence with both Uncle Jon and Aunt Michelle. An uncle who is very smart in the tech area and an aunt who is good in the math and health part of life. A mom who went through a tragic thing when I was conceived, and a grandma who is all around a sweetheart and a great nurse. Also a grandfather who could help me find myself in a hard time by talking about our heritages both of ours. His being indian and me being Mexican.

All this gave me enough to put myself out there to start the journey to find myself. I then realized that I wanted a relationship but I wanted to help someone in the relationship. So I started putting myself out there but the first person who tried to ask me out was a good friend who already had a great head on his shoulders so I wanted to keep the friendship and find someone else. A week later Tanner showed up in my life and started showing interest in me. So I started trying to give him a chance and asked around for a little bit more of information on him besides “Just another guy in my Current Social Issues class.” After I had done my research I found out that he has a rough past but is changing and so I figured since he was trying to change all I needed was to give him a chance. So I started talking to him and discussing dating but not exactly putting myself out there. I told him I wanted to get to know him better and also I was going to wait until out of high school to have sex. He said he was alright with both but later he showed that that was a lie. So I stepped further and actually gave him a chance.

I fell for him right away and thats when I couldn't let him go so we dated 2 years and he cheated on me but he always told me about them. By the end of the first year he wasn't as bad about the cheating thing and it only just caused minor fights. Though those fights piled up until I was fnally done and by the time I reached my breaking point his grandparents and mom told me that they love me but he is not going to change and he is not worth your time. I stuck around a little bit after that to see if he really was going to change but it wasn't like he was going in the wrong direction. After this I finally started to let go this broke him. Not enough for him to go completely insane just enough that he was a little upset. After this it took me 9 months to go through the moving on process but I made it through and eventually just let him go but still tried to be his friend even when he would try things with me. He was still nice to talk to when he wasn't trying to feel me up or something.

I started to realize that he wasn't worth it when I met this guy. I fell in love with him he was a little rough around the edges and a sketchy past. I knew this because I knew him when he was a douche bag and would cheat on his girlfriend all the time and sleep around a lot. Well I didn't know him know him but Tanner was a friend of his girlfriend so I was around him a lot. I really thought he was a douche bag back then but when we started talking he really had changed and grown up. Of course it probably did help that it had been at least 3 years since I knew him. And he really had grown up and changed in those 3 years. He had just gotten out of a relationship that left him heartbroken. They were together for a long time, a year to be exact. So we had a connection in that area. His break up might have only been a month or 2 ago and mine almost a year ago. But I was just getting over it like him. We had an on and off relationship from December to like May. The first time we broke up I was crushed and I slipped up and made out with Tanner. That was when I realized I was really over Tanner. When I made out with him I felt nothing. I mean NOTHING at all. 

By this time he was engaged with a baby on the way. He calmed down a little and left me alone but didn't stop entirely but by then he had already fallen in love with his baby and it gave him enough incentive to at least try to make things with his fiancee. He took a few steps forward in changing. He left me alone for months on end. I really thought he had changed for a while that he was growing up and maybe he could make things work with his fiancee and unborn child.

Then he took several steps back when he tried to rape me. The reason he had done this is because Brittany finally opened up and came to me about being abused. This gave me enough of an incentive to at least try and help her get away for the safety of both herself and her baby and I put the thought into her head that he was dangerous then I stepped back. This is when Tanner found out and he got mad. Not enough to hurt her but enough to get him to come after me and bring his attention my way to show Brittany that he wasn't that great of a guy. When I almost got hurt but had enough confidence to help myself it was just the right push to get her to at least think about trying to get away and she eased her way out she found a way to get out in 2 days then went to her parents and tried to see if he will follow but when he didn't she finally broke off the relationship and told him to leave her alone. This was enough to send him over the edge again but not totally off causing him to harm her a little but not enough to cause long term damage. Then together we had him in jail and when he was there for a week I finally gathered my confidence again and pushed forward to move the case along quickly.

I am proud to say that going through all the BS with me and Tanner's relationship only took me a year to a year and a half to get out of my depression state and move on. I think that God helped me by giving me enough faith before the relationship even started to get through it later.

Sorry if this one was kinda lame and sucky. I thought it was really good when I wrote it but now that I reread it when I was writing it on here. I realize how lame it was. But after the case was done almost done and I had a little bit of confidence. This is how I felt and I thought.