clouds that are ghosts

of a crime scene

cw: reference to domestic abuse and its effects, disorientation

you're sitting on the car seat
still, unmoving
is there peace? is there rampage?
you called your father and asked
if he could come pick you up from practice
he could, he came
get into the car, say hi, He starts yelling. He is angry. you didn't do anything wrong, i assure you. you say he wasn't obligated to come if it was a trouble- he picks on that line and says you're rude and foul-mouthed and goes on shouting and being mad at you. you don't speak, thankfully. you have flinched twenty-three times since you got in the car. you will be fine, you will be okay. the world seems off somehow. previously you were laughing and talking with a friend. now it seems decades away. the car stops at a traffic light, He is silent now too. in two minutes the car parks and He gets out to go pick something up. you look into the distance at the shops and houses, the world is foggy and distant and far-away and your mind feels numb and you can't really focus and figures are abstract and traffic noises get louder and this one shop has decorated for christmas and it's wrong how everything is this way again at such a joyful time of the year but still, so distant and then, then, then,

"thank you for your cooperation, we'll let you know if anything new comes up"
another cop watches you mockingly
"why didn't you pay attention more? what were you watching? what were you doing?"
i don't know what to say. i-
"it's a fucking crime, grow up and try to remember."
crime?
"you were in the car, and? what did you see?"
i am back in the car.
the streets, the pavements, the buildings, they are all dark and miles away because i am stuck in the car i am stuck in the car and so i am stuck at this home stuck at this home and i am warm but cold and afraid honestly terrified but i am waiting and i am numb and i am prepared and i have to survive whatever comes next but they say it's been a crime but i don't know don't remember and where is He i am away from home and He will be angry again and oh god what will i do what will i do
"are you listening miss?"
no i am not i am deep in my thoughts they won't leave me alone i am restless and shaking and this man asks if i want a glass of water and i want to shove it down his head but i wish it was His head but i could never never
"please follow,
and have a look"
i am now looking at the photos of the crime scene and i see myself. it's strange. disorienting.
and then i understand.
i want to puke. i am dead and alive.
i am here and not here. i can't stop looking.
it is a crime after all. to be stuck.
please, please,
please!
you're sitting on the car seat. the world doesn't stop spinning for your sake. you will make it stop spinning for your sake, oh strong strong kid with your heart out of space for more kindness. it is enough, but when will it ever be enough?