mentally gone

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by Eeiarkander

by Eeiarkander

Kursiv stil- tona ner men tydligt budskap
Understruket- ökat tonfall, inte starkast.
understruket+kursiv stil - övergång
Fet stil - Betoning, högre än understruket
Fet+understruket - starkast, budskapet ska 110% fram
~ - utdragen ton

All the pain is gone. You see red liquid getting out from white lines but still you feel absolutely nothing. You do it over, and over, AND OVER again, still nothing~. Everything's numb, you cant even tell if youre breathing anymore.
You continue until you faint~. Your body gets taught its supposed to react with fight or flight mode if you get a bleeding scar. You begin to faint as fast as you do anything towards yourself, but still you feel nothing~.
Would that stop you? No~, you begin to faint as an escape from reality. Instead of sleeping 29-h- straight~ you make yourself faint while being locked in on the bathroomfloor~. No one will know whats happening until its too late~.
But why would you tell them? They wouldve stopped you~. Right there you only feel how much everything should hurt but simply doesnt. You wanna escape the voices inside your head. Those evil demons~ whom trying to convince you everything you do becomes failures, youll never be good enough eitherway, so why keep fighting? Why not give up and jump off a cliff~?

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Doktors keep giving me a bunch of different pills to help me get up on my legs again. But I dont want them, I dont feel the need nor the motivation~, I just wanna be able to be strong enough to stand up without those disgusting meds.
Pills that are supposed to make you feel better~. They make all emotions less powerful. Which leads to numbness and a feeling of being completely empty~ inside~.
No pain, just mentally gone~.

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

You wish to give up. Not because you wanna commit suicide~ but because life is giving you shit~. You have too much in your hypothetical backpack, its too heavy~.
Hurting people have become something youre a specialist at. If you just disappear youll only hurt everyone one more time~ right~?
It will be like youre just one of those memories people has but never care about. Youre just trash eitherway~.

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Pills, Pills and more PILLS. "Take them and things will feel easier" the doctors said~. I see their point~, but the feeling of nothingness is quite heavy too.
Nothing isnt better than too much~, they are both horrible~. I just wanna find the motivation and energy to stand up on my legs all alone~ without anyone else~.
Less powerful emotions, isnt the answer. Everything are still there~, even the pain I am supposed to feel.
Im just mentally gone~.

~~~~~mellanspel~~~~~

Making line, Over Line, OVER LINE and still feel nothing is really exhausting.
Its never quiet, they are always there to destroy everything I am~. My inner demons will never leave~ even if thats what I really wish for.
Life is exhausting. Having to be social with socialfobia, have to try to keep track on eveything the others say even though you have 40 other voices in your head whom screaming at you, having to be the perfect child, have to be the optimal oldest sibling, must take a lot of responsibilities while you barely can get out of- bed~
Exhausting, mentally exhausting. It makes me go completely mentally gone~

~21,12,02~