UNKNOWINGLY

VIVIDITY

IT ALL START ON MY VOYAGE OF BEING A RESPONSIBLE MONITOR OF MY CLASSROOM 8TH B . AT THAT MOMENT I THOUGHT EVERYTHING JUST STARTS FROM BEING A GOOD PERSON. A GOOD PERSON WHO CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND CAN SHOW OTHERS THE RIGHT PATH, THE PATH WHICH LEADS TO PEACE AND RIGHTEOUSNESS.

I NEVER KNEW THAT PATH WILL LEAD ME TO YOU. I STILL REMEMBER YOU AS VIVIDLY AS EVER. THE CUTS, THE SCARS, AND FINALLY "YOUR PAIN".I STILL TO THIS DAY THINK WHY EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BOTHERED ME SO MUCH?

YOU WERE LOOKING AT SOMETHING ON YOUR LEFT ARM, PRECISELY SOMETHING LIKE A BLADE CUT ON YOUR WRIST AND SOME BLACKENED CLOTTED BLOOD SCARS WHICH LOOK LIKE HEALED CUTS.

AT THAT POINT IN TIME, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WAS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU BOYS? IT WAS LIKE A SORT OF TREND, THAT IF A GIRL REJECTS YOU, YOU HAVE TO SHOW HOW DEEPLY YOU LOVE HER BY CUTTING YOUR HAND WITH A COMPASS NEEDLE, WHICH JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. JUST TO BE CLEAR, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS UNTIL THEY FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU.NO MATTER HOW MANY TRIALS YOU GIVE, YOU ARE ALWAYS NOT ENOUGH. NOT THE ONE.

I REMEMBER THAT I WAS TOLD TO FIND A BOY NAMED FELIX.

FELIX WAS INVOLVED IN ALL THIS "WRIST CUTTING" DRAMA SO BEING THE "RIGHT PERSON" I THOUGHT I WAS. I WAS TOLD TO FIND HIM, ESPECIALLY TO WARN HIM TO STOP DOING ALL THIS AND TELL OTHERS TO STOP AS WELL. FOR A LITTLE BACKGROUND CHECK, I KNOW FELIX AS WE TRAVELLED BACK FROM SCHOOL TO HOME BY OUR SCHOOL BUS TOGETHER, WE TALKED SEVERAL TIMES, HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT KINDA PERSON WHO WOULD SLIT HIS HAND FOR A GIRL LIKE THIS BUT HIS SCARS SHOWED A DIFFERENT REALITY, DIFFERENT TRUTH WHICH STATES THE REALITY OF TEENAGE UNREQUITED LOVE.

TEENAGE IS NO MATTER THE MOST IMPULSIVE, ENERGETIC PHASE OF LIFE. IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD IS GOING TO END THE NEXT SECOND. WE DEVELOP THIS IMMEDIATE NEED FOR VALIDATION BY THE SOCIETY. IT FEELS LIKE A NEED TO VALIDATE OUR FEELINGS, OUR DECISIONS. IF THE VALIDATION IS NOT PROVIDED WE DIVERT TO THIS ACTIVE-PASSIVE AGGRESSION TOWARD THE VALIDATOR.

COMING BACK TO THE STORY, I STARTED TO TALK THINGS OUT WITH FELIX AS I WAS TOLD IN A RATHER BOLD AND HARSH TONE. BACK THEN, I NEVER CONSIDERED SOMETHING LIKE A "LOVE" A BIG DEAL. IT WAS NEVER MY THING. I ALWAYS THINK IT WAS SOME KIND OF WEAKNESS THAT GIVE OTHERS THE ADVANTAGE OVER YOU AND THAT PREMONITION IS SOMEWHAT CORRECT AS WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, ME AND FELIX.HIS LOVE BECOMES MY ADVANTAGE OVER HIM. I CAN USE IT ANY TIME AS PER MY CONCERNS. AMIDST ALL OUR CONVERSATION, I TRIED MY BEST TO CONVINCE HIM THAT ALL THIS WILL BRING HIM NO GOOD AND SOMEWHAT SCARE HIM THAT IF HIS PARENTS CAME TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THIS, THIS WILL BE THE END OF HIS "GOOD BOY" LIFE AND THAT'S WHERE EXACTLY I STARTED THE BIGGEST BLUNDER OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE, I ASKED HIM A SIMPLE QUESTION" IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO PROVE YOUR LOVE FOR SOMEONE THAT EVEN SLITTING OF YOUR HAND SEEMS LIKE A EASIER OPTION?"

HIS ANSWER DOES GIVE A NEW DIMENSION TO MY WAYS OF LIFE.