Things I could never tell my mom

Conversations

Hi Mom,

You asked me why I never told you what my thoughts are and why I never open up my feelings...

The answer's simple, it's because of you.

You told me that you'd listen and understand what I'll tell you and you promised but mom, from how I see it. You only have your ears as decorations. The difference between you and me is that I have ears to listen to and a mouth to comfort or give advise, while you only have your mouth to say how I'm so wrong about my feelings, how I should not have those feelings and it's stupid, how I'm not strong like you and I'm dumb enough to have those dramatic feelings, not to mention how you would compare me with the young you in the past. You never understand - multiple times I try to communicate and open up, and multiple times you slam me down with those comments of yours.

I gave up in the end. I got tired of trying to get you to understand me. My efforts seem pointless. I stopped opening up and talking about my daily life. I stopped talking to you and explaining you my point of view and feelings. Opening up to you or talking to you heart to hear, always end up on a bad note. I shut down. I'm not cruel, mom, but you made me who I am today. I wasn't suppose to be a person with trust issues and a person who lacked warmth. I never - not once thought that I should stop loving you. I have always love you and will still do no matter what. But mom, I tried my best. I can't get through you. You're living in a world where you know the best -  suffering the most with tons of scars and stories. You're in a phase where you cannot understand what others are going through. You think you've gone through where I'd been, what I'd suffer, what I'd felt. You think you know the best.

Mommy, you may know the best but you don't know me.

IF you've really gone through what I went through and feel what I've felt, you wouldn't be saying all those words you've said to me. Your words just add on more poison in my life - more scars and more wounds. You make me feel pathetic - even to this day.