Things I could never tell my mom

My frown

Hi Mom,

I'm 22 now, I'm a working adult now.
So mom, Remember how you would always tell me to smile whenever I'm in my poker face?
Yeah, now I'm always smiling.
I'm smiling even when my boss scolded me, I'm smiling even when my boyfriend cheated on me infront of my very eyes, I'm smiling even when I feel like no longer living.

Smiling becomes a daily routine for me, like a habit being arched in my every muscles - without noticing and realising, I've come to smile in any situation be it good or bad. But what you trained me was poison. Behind that every smile was a girl who would sat down at the bus stop to wipe away her tears and calm herself down before stepping into that very house and seeing her mother's face. Behind that sweet and savoury smile is a girl with a lump in a throat that blocks out the airway to her lungs which gets bigger everytime she forces a smile.

Whenever you see me having a poker or a serious face, you think I'm giving you an attitude, you think I'm being rude. You vent your own inferiority unconsciously just because of my poker face. Mom, what you felt wasn't my fault. I'm a human being with emotions and I have the rights to put on whatever facial expressions I want.

You, yourself don't even smile everyday, you always have the face of somebody spitting on you - always angry and cautious.

I smile everyday but I'm not "smiling", I'm just doing as I'm trained to. You told me that smiling makes the brain releases chemical compounds such as dopamine, endorphins and serotonin - chemicals that reduces anxiety and increase happiness. But mom, I don't even know how I feel anymore, everytime I try to figure out what my feelings are - there's a void, emptiness. I've lost my true facial expressions and feelings.

I'm not your entertainment mom.

You should have given birth to a clown instead of me.

These messages may not and will never reach you :)

Love,
Your daughter.