haha vent book go brrrrrr (please read description)

"The memories won't stop.."

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING.

THIS WILL INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING:

- Trauma.

- Panic Attacks/PTSD.

- Vivid and graphic details through wording.

- HTF. (I warn you, do not look it up.  It's for your own safety.)

- Self-Degrading.

- Animal Death.

IF YOU GET UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE MENTIONED, PLEASE LEAVE THIS CHAPTER.

And keep in mind, this is me dealing with my own trauma.

And do not worry, I myself am completely fine.  When stuff like this happens to me, I act quickly to distract myself to help me forget about these memories.

Please read with caution.

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No...

No no no no no no.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

'NO, WHY ARE THEY BACK??', I think to myself, holding back my screams.

It was another one of my moments where my mind remembers too much.

It happens at random, and everytime I am reminded of it, I'm always caught off guard.

"P-Please, stop..", I say to myself, in a quiet, soft voice.  I grab onto my hair with my left hand, slowly gripping tighter by the second.  My right hand grips onto my upper left arm, also gripping tighter by the second.

My eyes were wide open, and I started to breathe heavily.

'Why did it have to be now?  Why while I'm in public?  I don't want people to see me like this.  I don't want to worry anyone.', I couldn't keep myself from looking as if I had seen a ghost, or, more or less, as if I had seen an animal have it's heart explode out of it's chest.

My breathing became more intense, and I was on the verge of tears.

At least, that's what I wanted.

I wanted to be on the verge of tears.

I wanted to cry.

But I couldn't.

My body didn't allow me to.

It was as if my eyes were completely dry.

I couldn't cry.

'I'm such a fucking dumbass.  Me and my damn curiosity.  Why didn't I stop at the first?  I should have just watched something else.  But no.  My worthless excuse of curiosity caused me to do this to myself.'

Yes.

I was my own enemy.

I caused trauma.

On myself.

And at a very young age as well.

Somewhere around 6th grade, I had watched a video.

It was only recommended to me after watching something else related to it.

Or, it was only recommened to me after I watch a gore speedpaint with some of the characters from the show.

Show?

Show...

A seemingly looking kids show, which turned out to be just a complete lie.

The show was called "Happy Tree Friends", and god damn it, it wasn't happy at all.

It didn't even seem as if the characters were friends.

I luckily stopped myself from seeing anything more after seeing one of the animal characters head explode from holding back their violent vomitting after smelling some sort of gas.

What was so embarrassing and more scary about the situation that I was in, was that I was on the bus back home from school, and sitting next to my best friend.

I didn't want to cause my friend any distress over me having such a worthless and stupid panic attack from a memory.

No, the whole thing about me having a simple "panic attack" was an understatment.

It was more like a very intense stress response from it.

PTSD...

Although, I had never told my parents nor my once was therapist about this, I was certain I had the disorder.  I couldn't just say it with 100% confidence that I had PTSD.  I had no right to.  I didn't have a diagnosis.  And with my previous and last therapist I had now in a different area, I couldn't get one.  I could just ask my parents to get a test done for it or even a new therapist, but I can't.  I can't bring myself to it.  I'm too shy and scared about saying something wrong.  It takes too long for me to get used to new people.

'Please stop... No more... I've been retraumatized by this memory for far too long now... I want to just have a peaceful ride home... The memories won't stop... Why aren't they stopping...?'

I was gripping my upper left arm so tightly that I was certain I was going to either leave a bruise or even make myself bleed.

And almost as soon as it started.

It stopped.

...

'What was I panicing over again..?'