haha vent book go brrrrrr (please read description)

"I feel like a figment of people's imagination..."

FFFFuck y'all, I'm using Rui cause he comfort and I just feel like using him in place of myself. /lh

TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE, ED, SH, PURPOSEFUL RETRAUMATIZATION, ATTEMPT TO FORCE DISSOCIATION, IMPLIED CHILD ABUSE, SELF DEGRADING.

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'Nobody cares about me...'

That was what Rui was thinking at the moment.  He had recently fallen out of his friendship with his best friend, and crush, 20-19-21-11-1-19-1, and he was back to how things were before he met them.

He felt depressed, lonely, invisible... He just felt like he wasn't real and only a small figment of people's imagination.  He hated this.

He had become more quiet since the fallout, and even though now he and 20-19-21-11-1-19-1 were acquaintances, and he had been told by 20-19-21-11-1-19-1 themselves, that they still cared about him, he couldn't help but feel like that was a lie.  He knew it wasn't, he knew they still cared about him, but he just couldn't get himself to see them as someone who cared about him still.

Rui was in class, his head on his desk as he was exhausted today.  He was resting his eyes as he was unable to fall asleep.  As his head was on his desk, his mind was saying that nobody actually cared about him, that everybody hated him, that they avoided him because he was weird.

His eyes teared up, and he was close to crying, but he didn't.  His body didn't allow him.  No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't cry in public.  Thanks, dad... For making me believe I have no right to cry.

He was watching a Roblox YouTuber, one who was known for doing admin command videos and trolling/bullying kids on Roblox, during class, though he couldn't even keep himself from zoning out.

Frustrated by this, and the fact his phone hadn't been charging despite being plugged in, he decided to just power off his phone, and took off his headphones.

He put his head in his arms, shielding his face from reality so he could try to make himself disassociate, which didn't work.

His mind was being flooded with negative thoughts...

"I'm not going to make my dreams a reality..."

"My parents were right about me being the reason why a different kid, who would have actually done the work, couldn't get into the class he did..."

"I'm just a lazy asshole..."

"I don't deserve to be in this school... I'm not even doing the work anymore..."

Rui was silently suffering, his depression was at an all-time high and he was thinking about just dropping out of school.  He felt like he was never going to survive once he graduated... If he ever did as his grades were bad.

He never told anyone about this, he hated worrying others just because of something that he should be able to take care of himself.  He never asked for help, he felt like he didn't need help, "as long as he wasn't thinking about committing suicide, he would be fine"... That was Rui's unhealthy excuse for not asking for help.

He had been losing motivation to do anything, losing his interests, losing his grip on stability.  He had been eating less, subconsciously punishing himself and not letting himself drink anything.  At times when he was stressed out enough and frustrated, he would scratch the outer sides of his thighs harshly, through his pants/shorts too keep himself from actually bleeding, and sometimes repeatedly if he didn't feel a lot of pain.  He sometimes forced himself to remember traumatic memories he had to cause himself to have a panic attack, specifically one of a show that he can't even name without having small flashbacks to it, as he knew it affected him the most.  He continuously told himself that he was never going to achieve his dreams, that he was just annoying to everyone, that he only caused trouble, that things would be better if he made different decisions.

He wants help...

He needs help...

... I need help...