My Thoughts

I don't know what the hell I am

I have been questioning my identity for over 2 years, now. I recently came to the conclusion of being Demiromantic/Asexual, and it still doesn't fit right with me. I don't know if I have more or less attraction, but I just don't know myself. First an ally, now an almost aro/ace because of the stress of labels. I might just be unlabelled and call it a day, because I have no clue what I am.

Do I like boys? Girls? Non-binaries? What about sex? Fem? Masc? Am I trans? Am I male? Am I female? Do I use they/them? What am I?

I can answer only a few of these. That's all because of my partner. That leads to another point. (Bee, if you are reading, it isn't you, I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me)

Every day, I sit and think to myself: "Do you love them?" And I always never get a straight answer. It is always something like: "Of course you do! You're dating them!" Or: "I don't know, I always want to be alone." And this leads to another point.

------------------
TW: Mental Illnesses
------------------

I have bad PTSD, and some people know why, others don't. But since around December of last year, I always have the inner feeling of being depressed. I know I am not diagnosed, but sometimes I just want my head chopped off. I want to have a restart, and cleanse myself of everything I have done.

I sometimes look in the mirror and just look away. I don't want to be that person that loses(looses?) interest in practically everything, and doesn't even laugh at memes that were always funny. I just hate it.

I have been asked about my about me on Discord, people asking: "why do/would you hate yourself?"
And honestly, I don't know. I just never liked my "perfect little girl" persona. I also hate people thinking "you're so innocent" or "you're ____". It hurts. I don't care if it is a compliment or an insult, I don't like people saying I'm something that I feel I'm not. This leads me to my next point.

People have called me:
Hot
Sexy
Perfect
A combo (of cute and hot)
And these I have terrible PTSD with. I don't really say anything, because they're compliments, but I always feel like I'm being used when someone says these to me.

People have called me:
Babygirl/baby girl
Mommy
Hottie
My _____
These I also have PTSD with. For the last one, *someone* has said "my baby girl" or "mommy's little *inappropriate name (sl*t or wh*re)".

I am ok with so many things, but I just don't know anymore. I go by the saying: "You can't love someone else, if you don't love yourself" and, well, I don't really love myself. So should I even be with someone?

I got that quote from a fanfiction (dnf, shocker, amiright?) And I still think about it all the time. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. That's just unhealthy. And especially after hearing from my partner that they might be depressed, I feel like this is just not good.

I'm trying to keep letting them know that I love then, and they deserve the world, when I can't say that about myself. I keep telling myself to take a break from everything, but I can't. I can't get away from my friends or partner. I feel bad.

----------------
More Identity Crisis
----------------

I feel obligated to say the specific "genders" I'm attracted to. I don't even know if I just like platonic or romantic love. I don't know if I should try some things to expand my reach in the sexual spectrum, or what. I just want to feel something.

I feel like if I am non binary, I have to use specifically they/them. I don't want  to use strictly they/them. So am I pangender? Well, no. I just use any pronouns. No. I'm pangender. No I'm non binary. No I'm female. No I'm male. Fuck it I'm gender fluid. No.

I fell like pronouns ≠ gender and more people need to know that. People need to realize that your labels are just labels and at the end of the day, let someone be an attack helicopter.

----------------
Note for Partner
----------------

Hi, Bee. This is Shae, obviously, and I wanted to say that I do love you, I just don't know in what way. I've always mixed platonic and romantic together since day one and I feel like I still don't know. You have been the best person I've ever met, and you deserve everything. I also really want you to get checked for depression, and for your anxiety to also get under control, but I'm not the boss of you. I know you'll probably say that I should aswell, and yes, you're right, but I just don't know how. I don't know what to do anymore. I might take a break from everything, and just have some alone time to not worry about others. I, yes, will want to text you, but it won't be the best. I want to get a therapist, and want you to, aswell. I want you to be happy, and I know you'll say something like "that's when I'm with you" but you need a break, too. I can tell. You need to just not use social media for a week or so. It will help you with your mental issues. So, I hope you don't take this message the wrong way, and I love you <3

----------------
Message for fans/followers
----------------

I'm sure you guys won't mind if I take some alone time for mental health reasons, and, well, I just might do that. I think I'll probably take a break when it hits January 1st, 2022 or maybe sooner. I want next year, though, to be the year for me to be my true self. I want to find myself, and be free from this anxiety. If you are going through something like this, please feel free to do this along with me on the 1st. I'll probably be gone for 2 weeks, just so I can truly get an idea of what the hell is up with my life. As you can tell, I've lost interest in things I've loved. Ex: DreamSMP members/streams- I've always loved them, but now I just stopped caring as much, and stop watching half way through the videos. I know I'm not the only one, so again, feel free to join me in this new year's resolution of finding true happiness. I love y'all /p and have a great day <3