tumble - osasuna/sunaosa

Before

I've been behind the counter since six o'clock in the evening, making drinks and dealing with the bullshit that drunk people like to pull in bars on the weekends. I've been a bartender for two years now, ever since I moved to New York from Hyogo.

Originally, I came to attend culinary school, but the dream died after one semester and thousands of dollars in student debt. I dropped out and adopted a new routine for the next year and a half: wake up at eleven in the morning, work at the local drug store from 12-5 pm, then walk to the bar 5 blocks away to bartend from 6 pm to 3 am. I head home, and either sleep or question my life for the next six hours.

Lately, it's been the latter option at night. I haven't been back to Japan since I graduated high school, and I'm not planning on going back anytime soon. The only person that knows I dropped out of school is my mom, who promised to not even tell my twin brother Atsumu, who's currently living his dream life playing volleyball professionally back in Japan. Over my dead body will he know.

Before my last year of high school, I broke the news to him that I won't go on to play volleyball professionally, and ever since then, it seems as if there was an invisible glass between us. We still talk often, but these conversations are just five minutes of 'yes' 'everything's great' 'no, nothing new' 'okay. Bye.' I guess the disconnect is partially my fault for hiding basically my entire life, but I just can't bring myself to say the words, 'tsumu, the brother you've known for the past 18 months is a whole lie.'