The Queen of Darkness

Chapter Two

My body moves at its own accord. One second I am standing at the railing then the other I am on the other side of the balcony - far from Darian's touch. "Talk to me, baby," I can hear the pleading in Darian's voice and I can see the pain etched into his features. Trust me, if I could change all of this I would.

"Just... don't touch me," I hold out my hand before he tries to move any closer. Darian runs his hand over his face in frustration. Gods do I know how he feels. I want nothing more than to hold onto him for the rest of time but too much has happened for me to do that.

"I haven't touched you for what has felt like an eternity. I have respected your wishes. I have given you the space you wanted. I have even moved to the other goddamn side of the palace for you. What else more can I do to make you forgive me because I cannot go on like this. I cannot go on knowing that you are in the same building as me but I am not allowed an inch near you."

I am rendered speechless. The anger in his voice is as clear as day. "I'm sorry," is all I can say. I knew that we would both have a hard time staying away from each other because during all of that all I wanted was to be with him.

I hadn't realised what I had broken whilst trying to repair myself.

"You died in my arms, Nova! I watched it all happen to you and I feel your body going limp in my embrace every night. I watched you die..." his voice breaks and he turns his back to me. I can't help the tears that stream down my face. Gods. If I didn't hate my actions enough... I've never felt such resentment towards myself.

"I'm sorry," I repeat, not knowing what to say that will comfort him. "I'm sorry," I can't stop apologising. I feel like I am going crazy. All of my thoughts seem to knock together. I feel like I am going insane. My stomach seems to turn upside down and I beg the heavens to not make this happen right now.

But the heavens no longer talk to me. It's hell that I belong to now.

Turning on my heel, I reach for the nearest plant pot. Kneeling before it, I expel the contents of my dinner. As I said, nothing seems to agree with me anymore. I rest my head against my forearms whilst they are crossed over the top of the pot, trying to dispel the vile feeling in my stomach.

"I feel that too. Every night I feel your dreams, your pain, your memories. It is as though I am bound to you and I have never felt anything so drowning and all-consuming," his voice carries over the night air and shatters my heart piece by piece.

"Hell is murky," I say just below a whisper - waiting for the sickness to arise again. It truly feels as though I have not just been tied to hell but I have quite literally been consumed by it and I don't know how to turn back.

"That it is," I have never heard Darian sound so defeated, so vanquished. When I thought I was trying to help us both heal, I had really been tearing us apart.

We're just two broken souls trying to meet each other halfway.

I feel the sick rising again and I brace myself for impact but it never comes. I'm thankful for the chill of the breeze as it caresses my skin, calming me. When I am sure the wave has passed, I move from the pot and sit back against the wall and look up to the stars.

"You need to go inside, you'll get ill," Darian says, still facing away from me and I feel that it's not really because he cares about my wellbeing but rather he is dismissing me. If I had the energy to leave I would have done so by now.

My body feels as though it is withering from the inside out. That my organs are slowly shutting down one by one. "Is it possible... for my body to reject whatever you did to it," I dare ask. Manin and Serene know of my illness but I have told them profusely that it is only a cold. Only so that they would not alert Darian.

A silence brews between us and the feeling of death lingers. "Why is this the first I am hearing of this?" I didn't think it was possible for Darian to sound even more hurt but here we are.

Now that we are having this conversation it feels more real with every breath. Real in the way that the possibility that I am dying all over again is true. That these were my last few borrowed days and I spent them closing myself off from everyone.

I close my eyes and hope that my time here wasn't borrowed. That I am here to stay. That Darian and I can work through this and try to regain a part of what we had before. I know things will never be the same but it can't end for us like this.

As much as I don't want to leave, I'm not scared to die anymore.

Though the thought that I'll really and truly never see my family again is what pains me the most. Before, I could hope that when the time came I would be returned to my family in the high heavens and all would be right. But now... I'm sentenced to an eternity in hell.

I'll never see my mother's bright smile again or glossy eyes. I'll never hear the deep rumble of my father's laugh when we would stand at the top of the watchtower and I would get a star confused with a street light. It will never happen again and I'm not sure this life is worth such pain.

It's when I feel the fire in my veins freeze over again that I realise how tired I am. Tired from fighting so hard for so long and not even knowing what I am fighting for. I just need to sleep, sleep and not be awoken by things beyond my control.

"I cannot stand to see you this way," Darian breaks the silence but I have nothing left to say. "I cannot stand to feel you this way. Your emotions are so strong that I can feel every single one of them and it is as though you are ripping my heart out, my love."

"I'm sorry," I barely manage to say and a loud crash sounds, causing my eyes to snap open. The table and chairs are contorted in ways beyond recognition.

"Stop apologising!" Darian shouts as he faces me and for the first time in my life, I am utterly scared of him. "I can't deal with this Nova. I am trying to reach out to you... stop pushing me away," he sways for a moment before he drops to his knees. Everything leaves my mind as I immediately stand and move towards him.

I kneel in front of him and try to gauge how I should go around this. Before I can think, his arms are around my waist and he is tugging me towards him until I am straddling his lap. Darian buries his face in my neck as a sob rakes through him. To see him in such pain causes my own tears to form. I wrap my arms around his neck and run my fingers through his hair.

"I love you," my voice breaks as he continues to sob into my neck. "I'm so sorry," I say despite his anger towards my apologies. Darian only holds me tighter and I've never hated my own existence so much. I've never hated that I have been given a second chance so much.

"Please don't ever leave me again," Darian begs and the tears I have been holding in come flooding down. "I love you so much," he whispers, his grip on me still as tight as ever.

"Let's go to bed," Darian has never been so vulnerable with me and I'm glad that he is finally trusting me with his emotions. However, I'm not glad by the way we have gotten to this situation. "You need to sleep... we both do."

Darian scoops me up into his arms and in those few steps back into the bedroom, I see his bloodshot eyes and all of the pent up emotions he has been suppressing for god knows how long.

He places me down on the bed and I push down my own emotions so that I can be there for him. I suppress everything that would stop me from allowing him to touch me and to be so close. Shutting everything off, I wait for Darian to undress before he gets into the bed himself.

I am thankful for the warm hug of the sheets and the comfort they provide. Darian lays staring up at the ceiling in some kind of trance and I take it into my own hands to move closer to him. Laying my head on his bare chest, I wrap my arm around his waist and intertwine my legs with his - needing to feel that he is with me when I close my eyes.

"I'll call a healer for you to see if they can find out what is causing your illness. I'll do everything in my power to keep you alive... if I have caused your pain, I'll never be able to forgive myself," Darian's voice is raspy as it glides over the air.

I let the silence drown me for a moment. "None of this is your fault... I want you to know that," I declare. I had thought that this was his fault and I had blamed him for this for so long but he's helped me realise that, if anything, this is my fault.

Darian's arm wraps around me and I revel in the feeling of finally being with him after being parted for so long. Despite that also being a fault of mine.