Winter in Paris

11 | Eleven

PHOEBE HAYES

MY BODY NEVER FEELS like mine anymore. The more I think about it, the more I feel disconnected from myself. I'm living in a body that isn't my own anymore. I feel so. . . unaffected by this. As if it's so normal to hate not only yourself but your body.

I never did have a good relationship with my body or any other part of myself for that matter. Back in high school I used to stress eat whenever I felt like it and the more and more I did it, I realized that 'stress eating' was just an excuse to make myself feel better about eating my feelings. I was trying to get rid of the pain but I only caused myself more.

I envy the girls who can fall in love with themselves and not care. To be able to wake up every day and not feel disgusted with yourself and the way you feel. So much so, I can't even look at myself in the mirror without breaking down in tears at what I see.

On the surface I'm the girl with a bubbly personality who never leaves the house without a smile on my face but in reality I think of it as a mask. One to hide how I truly feel about myself. And I know this sounds like self-loathing and it partly is but in the end it's either you love yourself or you don't.

Some days there may be in in between. A day or two out of the week when I feel clean, pretty. It never lasts the entire day but just the feeling makes me happy enough to want to get out of bed. I think of it as a break day. One day where I can look at myself in the mirror and smile at what I see because my perception of myself has changed in a way.

How can I possibly give myself, all of myself to someone if I can't even fully love myself? They'll surely see through my façade and want to leave because in the end I'm a shell living as a real person. An outcast in a crowd of perfect people. And all I can think is no one will ever love me.

Sadly, today is one of those days. I drag myself out of bed to go through my usual routine that seems like more of a chore than I thought it would be. Not the usual smile I put on so early in the morning. No, I stare at myself as I brush my teeth trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Today? No, not just today.

Grabbing a pair of blue sweatpants and a white crew neck sweater, I rush to the front door while slinging my bag higher on my shoulder. Thankfully it's still the weekend so I don't have classes but I have some homework to get done. Like I always do. So I'm going to the library.

I close the door behind me still in the process of putting on my jacket when the blistering cold hits me as I open the big wooden doors and take the shortest route to the library.

Flurries fall from the sky when I look up and for the first time since I woke up I smile at the sky like it'll smile back at me. It won't. Not today at least. I can take the time to appreciate mother nature when it's not freezing like a motherfucker in the Arctic. It hasn't snowed a lot considering it's only late November but when it does snow it only lasts for the day or maybe less than that. It melts and the cycle starts all over again.

I wrap my arms around my waist while I walk and every breath I take comes out in a puff of air. I used to imagine making shapes out of the smoke that came from my mouth but it never did work. Though I will admit, I was and still am a bit stubborn when it comes to giving up on things even if it's as trivial as making shapes in the air.

Dragging my coat off, I walk to the far end of the library to get work done. I open my laptop and start on the paper I have to write for my philosophy class. I mean who knew it would be so boring? I did. But I took it anyway because I needed an extra credit.

I start with my outline and then type it up when I see a figure hovering over me. I got some of it done so I guess it's fine.

Looking up, I see the last person I would have thought would be here, standing in front of me. "Hey Eli." I give a half grin considering it's the best I can do today. I tuck my hands deeper into the sleeves of my sweater while he takes a seat across from me.