The Sentinels

38: Apologies

I awoke to several faces hovering with wide eyes above my own. A sense of panic overcame me as they stared down at me, analyzing the state I was in.

I wasn't even sure what had happened, exactly, or how long I'd been unconscious. The only eyes that really mattered, however, were a pair of brown irises with a few green flecks in them. Reece. And they were outlined with worry.

"Catherine. What's going on?" he demanded, his voice hard. I blinked, my mouth dry and my throat clogged up.

What was I supposed to say? There was no explanation for I had none and I had literally just woken up.

Do I apologize? Or do I stand my ground, like Dante said?

Becoming slightly light-headed, I tried to take a deep breath but struggled to do so. My body buzzed with a strange numbness. "You're overwhelming her, give her some space," Emmet muttered with an annoyed undertone that traveled all the way to me.

Reece threw him an agitated glare over his shoulder but quickly turned back to me. "What the hell, Catherine?" he started, an anger in him that nearly made me cry.

Why was he still so angry with me? Would he be this furious with me forever? I didn't understand what I had done wrong this time. I'd tried so hard to just let myself feel every emotion, despite the instinct to push them away... Could I never be good enough?

Something inside of my brother suddenly shifted then and the anger in his eyes washed away. "I—I'm sorry. I—... I— I just..." he stuttered. "I can't lose you. I just can't lose you. I— I can't. I wouldn't survive that, C." Reece's voice broke and his eyes filled with heart-wrenching tears that instantly caused tears of my own to spring into my eyes. My lip quivered and I stretched out my arms without any words passing from me to him, but a hell of a lot of emotions did.

Reece's facial expression softened and he let his tears stream down his face as he came closer and wrapped his arms around my upper body. I sat up and wrapped mine around his. One of his hands cupped my head, his fingers buried beneath my hair at the base of my neck.

He held me like that as the others slowly began to scatter.

We both stayed like that for a while, holding each other and crying away all of our frustration. At first I thought he needed it more than I did—but I would have been lying to myself. We both needed it.

Maybe I was the one who needed it more.

It felt good crying in my brother's arms, as if for the first time in a long time, I could let my soul open up in a safe place and just let that pent up sadness seep out of my core.

That reminded me of what had knocked me out in the first place and I withdrew myself from the embrace, looking up at Reece's brown eyes. "How long was I unconscious?" I asked.

Reece wiped away the residue of his tears and took a deep breath. Looking away, he took his time answering.

"A few hours."

When he focused back on me, he felt collected and less emotional. I mirrored his emotions and latched onto them.

"What's the last thing you remember?" he inquired, jump-starting my memory as I thought back to my conversation with Dante.

Dante had been struggling internally with his emotions. A big part of that struggle must have been because of me, albeit I couldn't say why he'd been so affected by it. I suspected it had to do with Kendra being aware of my signature, but she'd had much more practice than Dante had. I wasn't sure if that was truly the case, however.

"I don't really know. One second we were talking and the next he's out of it and I feel drained of all my energy. That's it."

I wondered what it could have been that drained my energy so abruptly. It had been such an intense wave of powerlessness that had overcome me, it had felt as if my power-plug had been ripped out and I just shut down.

Now, my battery was empty.

"What were you talking about?" Reece wondered and I knew his main focus was to get to the bottom of what had happened. "You've been losing consciousness more than once. You've been in really bad physical condition and I'm starting to think your mental condition is deteriorating as well. If we don't figure out what the root of this problem is, Catherine, something even worse is going to happen. I don't want you not to wake up at all anymore!"

Nodding, I agreed. "I think we might need to talk about all of this once we're in Polla'Nisia. I'm sure Reagan and Dante will be able to help us figure this out."

Reece's facial expression changed immediately and his mood soured. "I don't want you to take this lightly. The longer we wait to have this conversation, the sooner it'll happen again. Who knows how bad it'll be."

Nodding again, I tried to get him away from those negative emotions and instead focus on lightening the mood. "I know and we will Reece, as soon as we're someplace safe. I promise I'll rest then and try to figure all of this out. It's not exactly fun for me either."

That seemed to have helped a little. The thinking lines in his forehead straightened out and his shoulders dropped. He relaxed. "Fine", he muttered.

I seized the moment to say what I had been thinking about saying since Reece had his outburst. Not overthinking my words, I tried to focus on speaking from the heart.

"I wanted to apologize for disregarding everyone's feelings about my behaviour these past few months. I've been very hypocritical, egotistical, self-absorbed and too busy with myself to even consider anyone else. Especially you. I've always known that you have great weight resting on your shoulders and many struggles of your own to deal with. I've also always been aware of that but at the same time I feel like I barely ever acted on it, which makes it so much worse. I knew you wanted and needed to know what was going on yet I still kept it all to myself. My reasoning was always that you had enough to deal with and I didn't want to add to that weight, although I was adding to it even more by staying quiet and I realize that now."

Reece remained silent as he listened, his eyes observantly on me. He was completely still, letting my apology sink in.

"I realize now that knowing something's wrong but not what is much worse than trying to fix that problem." I let all of my regret flow into my next words. "I am so sorry for all the frustration I've caused you. You didn't deserve a single second of it and I'm sorry I gave you hours to endure. Days. Weeks. I hope you'll find it in you to forgive me one day. I am, to the deepest part of me, sorry that I hurt you. I love you beyond anything measurable and am thankful without a single spark of doubt for everything you've done and continue to do. You are everything to me. I would die without you."

And then the tears began to flow again and sobs raked through my body, shaking me.

Reece's tears returned too and we hugged each other with such a strength that it pumped energy into me and determination into my bones.