The Dorm

Chapter Four

Author's Note: Trigger Warnings! (talk of sex, implications of sexual assault/childhood sexual abuse, f*ggot, implications of SH)

Before this chapter starts, I just want to say this. Susie's portion is very heavily linked to sexual trauma. If you do not feel comfortable reading that, please don't. There will be a summary of Susie's POV at the end if you choose to skip. I would also suggest reading the summary if the end confused you as I clear some things up. Please be safe and take care of yourselves.

The dorm was quiet when I got back. Susie had earbuds in and was clearly focusing very hard on homework. So instead of throwing myself on her for the affection I so dearly craved, I opted to simply start making dinner.

Being a girl is... difficult. Periods exist, we are expected to cook and clean everything, seen as just objects to please men, etcetera. But by far one of the most annoying is the stigma around wanting pleasure from a relationship. And I'm going to be honest, it's still kind of difficult in a relationship with a girl.

When Susie and I first started dating, she couldn't even initiate holding my hand. She's gotten better, but I'm still the initiator. Which I'm fine with! But it can be frustrating when I'm in the mood to be loved and she just... doesn't. I know it's not her fault, but it's still just... I dunno.

So I distracted myself in scrambling eggs, chopping peppers, slicing sausage, and sauteing spinach.  No point in getting upset over something that shouldn't be upsetting, right?

Hearty eggs soon came off the stove, steaming. A quick topping of shredded cheese and they were done. Susie is much better at cooking than me, but eggs I can whip up no problem.

"Susie!" I called. Her head whipped up. A grin broke out over her face upon seeing me.

"Noey! I'm sorry, I didn't even realize you were home."

I walked over and placed a quick kiss on her nose. She grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into a kiss. Not hesitating for a second, I eagerly leaned in, desperate for physical contact. Blood rushed through my veins, excited to finally be getting what I wanted.

But she let go after a few more seconds. My heart deflated. Susie must have seen it on my face because she reached up and gently caressed my face. "You made food, right? Let's eat first."

I've never scarfed eggs down so fast in my life.

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We both had work on Saturday. I worked at a popular coffee shop chain, MoonMoney, and Susie worked at a local bookstore called The Book Nook. She prefers her job at the car wash, but it gets too cold for her during the winter months, being cold blooded and all.

I could not focus all day. I almost dropped someone's drink as my mind wandered to Susie and my fun the night before. My knees got weak just thinking about it.

Intimate moments get so rare with her. She's always working on something and is never in the mood for anything. I love my girlfriend so much, but I want more.

Shaking my head, I went back to fixing some Karen's order. That's a conversation for another day. I shouldn't be thinking of her like that.

We can talk it out one of these days. When the time is right. For now, I'll just savor the moments we do get.

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I know exactly what all of you fucks are thinking. Y'all think I'm a shitty girlfriend for not wanting physical intimacy all the damn time. Well fuck you! My fucking brain just doesn't work like that!

My whole body was hot with shame for my entire shift. Guilt flashed through my blood anytime I thought about the night before. 

What happened? you may be asking yourself. And you know what? Fucking nothing. That's the goddamn problem. It shouldn't be upsetting me, but it fucking is.

Here's what happened. I just wanted a kiss. So I pulled Noelle in for one. She's good about not pushing me, but I could tell she wanted more when she kissed my nose. But all I did was fuel the goddamn fire. I said we should eat before we do anything else, hoping it would calm her down. She gets days like that where she gets really lovey-dovey but, uh, more, normally a little bit before her period. So I'm used to that. But I've never seen anyone INHALE eggs like that before. It was almost terrifying. And I couldn't go back on my word, so...

Noelle did nothing wrong. I never said no. I'm the one that lied to her so she could feel good. I love her and I want her to feel fulfilled. But I just...

I don't think I feel that kind of attraction, and I don't know if I ever will.

Maybe it's a part of who I am. Maybe it's a trauma response. It's probably some combination of both. The first time Noelle and I did stuff together, it was really awkward. It was a first for both of us. It was fun, but Noelle enjoyed it way more than me. Like, yeah, I got pleasure and shit out of it, but it was just another activity for me. One that was emotionally draining. So why go out of my way for it?

I don't mind doing it for Noelle's sake every once in awhile, but that night... I just really didn't want to. And I didn't say anything to stop it.

So when I snapped at some fucking Karen the next day because she wanted to return a book her kid vomited on, I almost got fired. I couldn't think clearly. It was like being back in that fucking house again. Knowing that I can't escape the situation, except this time it's one I put myself into.

Why not tell Noelle? It would destroy her. She would never tell me that, but it would. She wants more than I could ever give. I'm not good enough for her.

Walking through the door of our dorm was hard. Noelle was on our bed, a slice of toast in hand. She was clearly still on a high. I didn't have the energy to pretend anymore. So I showered.

Dirty. Unclean. Sin. Gross. Faggot. Disgusting.

Every word that passed through my head left a new phantom pain in my wrists. And the worst part?

I didn't have enough tears to cry it all out.

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Word Count: 1010

Summary: Susie feels like shit because even though she didn't say no, she didn't want to sleep with Noelle. She doesn't feel sexual attraction and blames some of it on her trauma. When she gets home, she showers, crying, thinking of all the things she feels when she does sleep with Noelle when she doesn't fully want to. Each word makes her feel a cut open up on her wrists, even though none actually are.

Author's Note: It truly is becoming a trend of mine to just not write an update for months lmao. Hopefully that will change. How have y'all been? I finally took the SAT's! 1300! Pretty damn good if I do say so myself. I still haven't applied to any colleges which is terrifying. Y'all, I'm going to be a legal adult in less than 6 months and I'm writing Deltarune fanfiction. That's so fucking weird. Like, I'm a senior in highschool, writing the sequel to a fanfiction I started in freshman year. What the fuck is that? I mean, hey, it's keeping me writing. I've actually been doing some personal writing. I'm considering posting some scenes I've written for some stories on AO3 since I'm pretty sure it has legal protection for my writing while Wattpad doesn't. Eh, we will see. Anyway, this chapter was kind of really heavy. This is some shit that my partner and I have dealt with for awhile. Nothing quite on this scale, but the feelings of inadequacy, forcing yourself to do something for your partner and feeling violated even though it isn't their fault, etc. Like I said, this story is going to be somehow much heavier than The Closet. Chapter 4 and we are already on sexual abuse. Let's see where it goes from here, shall we? Keep on keeping on, y'all. I love you.