rèver.

david bowie - my word on a wing.

an:  please do not read this if you get affected by ed's/behaviors/rituals.  i wrote this at a very low point in my life, but i still want to share it.  this was also never finished.

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you stared at yourself in the mirror.  constantly wrapping your shirt around your waist, turning to the side, anything to see yourself skinnier. 

david bowie, your boyfriend who was on tour, didn't know about your eating habits.  no one did.  you kept it as a hellish secret to yourself, as you repeatedly weighed yourself. 

david wasn't to be home for a week, and luckily since the beginning of his leave, you lost some weight.  it wasn't good enough for you though.  you couldn't feel the exact bones in your shoulders, or your ribs without really pushing, unlike david.

you were jealous of his body.  he was so naturally skinny, he had the body you dreamed of.  skinny legs, skinny arms, skinny torso, refined jawline, just everything. 

you were always confused how you got together with him, how he fell in love with someone like you.

in his eyes, you were a goddess to him.  his savior, his blessing, his eternal love.  he constantly praised you about it, and in the moment you do enjoy it.  but, your mind gets  the better of you. 

you laid on the couch with one of his shirts on.  you didn't want to know it, but your ribs were sticking out quite profoundly. 

you flatted yourself out, staring lostly at the ceiling.  sure you missed david, but you missed when you were actually skinny.  when you and david first met, you were really skinny.  then you started eating and eating, and it just caused too much stress.  you hadn't ate anything for 3 days besides drinking some water or very small caramels.  

you looked so pale, so boney, and you laid there thinking you were the fattest person on this planet.  that all your clothes wouldn't fit you anymore, that you only fit into david's shirt because it's two sizes too big. 

you grabbed your hair due to stress and cried.  you didn't want to feel like this, but the desire to be skinny seemed so intriguing you couldn't stop.

eventually, you heard the lock on your door being opened.

"lovie?  are you here?"  he walked around the house until he finally found you, flat on the couch.

when he saw you, he could've sworn you heard his heart break.  you were just... laying there, so skinny, too skinny, and lifeless.  tiredly, you got up and hooked your lanky arms around him.

"david!  how i missed you..."  you said with your remaining energy.  it took a lot to even get up.

david wanted to say something, ask what was happening, but right now wasn't the time.  he just got home, you weren't doing too well, and it probably could've ended bad.

"i missed you too, love.  did you catch any of the performances on tv?"  david asked.

"i did, you looked spectacular.  and the music was splended as ever."  you smiled, it was such a delight to see him perform.

"that's what i love to hear... thank you, love."  he smiled so gently at you.  it was probably the sweetest thing you saw in a while. 

eventually, he sat on the couch and so did you, laying your head on his lap.  as you lay there, david put his hand on your waist, gently rubbing it up and down.  as he usually did.

you were horrified, you didn't want him feeling extra skin around your ribs... which in truth, there was none.  all you could feel was bone.  he himself was concerned, more than earlier, but he didn't want to scare you off.  he decided to wait until after lunch, or rather when you'd usually have lunch. 

what happened?