Serendipity

Goodbye Again

It seems a shame to leave you now, the days are soft and warm
I long to lay me down again, to hold you in my arms
I long to kiss the tears away, and give you back the smile
But other voices beckon me, and for a little while
It’s goodbye again.

 -Goodbye Again, John Denver

 

25th December, 1990

5:30 a.m.

You were still sleeping or pretending to, whichever, when I got up to get ready for the flight.

Now, as I walk out of the washroom, my eyes fall first on our bed. It says a million different things in its own way. Every morning it tells the world a new story. Today, the sheets are only slightly rumpled; the pillows are far apart and not haphazardly strewn, both duvets have been used contrary to a single one, a far cry from the usual picture.

My travel bag is lying on the floor near my side of the bed, the red of it shining like a neon signal portending my impending departure.

As I turn towards my left to look at the frost ensconced bay window my eyes fall on you. From here I can only see your side profile, as my eyes travel up your body; it first rests on your abdomen where there is the slightest swell, only a slight rise, hardly visible. My heart fills with this tremendous warmth and unexplained reverence for you. You’re carrying another fruit of our love, our lives, a testament of all that we are and all I want to do is to hug you and kiss you and look after you, because that’s the right thing to do, because you deserve so much more.

My whole body hurts physically when my eyes wander to your face. You’re staring out of the window at the darkness slowing fading into daylight, with misery etched across your features. You raise one hand to wipe off the tears which you’re trying to hide hopelessly while the other hand rests momentarily on the swell of your abdomen.

I’m ashamed to be the reason for your tears and all that I want to do is take you to bed, hold you tightly and kiss them away. You don’t need all this stress, this fighting, especially now. You need rest and sleep, but here you are, awake and waiting to see me off.

You turn when you feel my presence and for a moment our eyes meet. Yours are dark, glazed over with tears and dull, a whirlpool of emotions swim in them. I don’t reckon mine are any different. You smile a sad smile, an effort towards putting last night’s fight out of the way. I take a step towards you but you retreat backwards.

 It’s probably because you know, like I know, that if we touched each other now, everything would crumble. You’ll cry me a river and never let me go, and strangely the thought makes me feel secure. Loved.

You move even further away, nod your head sideways, look down  and utter almost inaudibly, “ Go, go. I love you, go.”

Just like that, and just like that, I pick up my bag to leave. I whisper I love you too, twice over, one for you and one for our love growing inside of you. I wonder if you heard me. I wonder why we fought last night. I hate it when we fight, especially now, that I’m going to be away from you, even if it’s only for four days.

I stop outside the children’s room and contemplate looking in on them. We’d said our goodbyes last night itself. These tiny people are the ones that hold me back, that make it difficult for me to leave. Them and their mother, my life.