Perks Of Being A Wallflower

August 29, 2009

Dear friend,

I wish to remain anonymous. I don’t want to be seen, nor do I want to be heard. I just want to tell you my story, so in a way, I guess I do want to be heard. I want you to listen to me, not with my words, but with my writing. Last year, around this time, I lost someone very close to me. His name was Liam Payne. He was my best friend, the one I could tell anything to. And now he’s gone. I don’t know what I’ll do now because I’m starting high school in a couple of days and I’m not really sure if I’m ready for this.

Anyways, I was just writing to let you know that you’ll be receiving more letters from me. Letters about what’s happening and such. I won’t use real names, except for Liam’s. Liam’s name is real and if you don’t believe me then you can search it up on Google or in one of the yearbooks from middle school. He taught me how to read when I was first starting first grade. I couldn’t read as well as the others, so I asked him to teach me, and he did. And then he tutored me in math.

Ever since, my grades have been good. I’ve only ever gotten one sixty-five and Liam was really disappointed in me. To be honest, I was disappointed in myself. But we talked about it and he helped me improve that mark. 

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about Liam dying because whenever I do, no one really listens. I’ve only got my older brother, his name is Greg, and mom says that there’s another baby on the way. I just hope he or she won’t be as screwed up as I am. I know it’s going to take time for me to get over Liam’s death. Since it’s been a year already, I’d say maybe another two or three months. At least that’s how long I hope it’ll take because I don’t want to miss him forever.

I’m writing to you because I have no where else to turn. I’ve tried turning to my mom, my dad, Greg, teachers, and even the guidance counselor and they all make me feel weird — like I’m not normal. And I guess that’s okay because I’ve never considered myself to be normal. Or my life to be normal. But I have it much better than most people, so I try not to complain as much.

So, this is my life and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad at the same time and I’m still trying to figure out how that’s possible. When you really think about it, it’s not. I guess part of me is sad because I’ll look back on my life in twenty-five years from now and I’ll remember Liam, being my best friend until the end. I know he’s up there, watching me, but I can’t bring myself to let go of him.

And I’m happy because I know that he’s going to be okay. That all the teasing and stuff will stop. Did you know how cruel kids could be? One night he took a bullet to his head. I don’t know why and no one else does, either. He just did it. He didn’t even seem upset, or angry, or depressed or anything. Maybe because you don’t notice things that you’re not looking for.

If you looked at Liam, you would’ve seen what I did. A nice, good-looking, young man who had a bright future ahead of him. But I guess what Liam saw was much different. Sometimes he’d paint this picture in my head, he’d describe himself to me and all I could think was “this is how you see yourself?” Liam pictured himself as a monster, a monster that was created by society. The funny thing is, is that most monsters are created by society. We never realize that, though.

We just realize what the person’s wearing, or how they look. We never look into their souls and try to find out what the person’s really like. We base opinions on who they like, what music they like, how expensive their clothes are, but maybe if we forgot about all of those things, maybe, just maybe, there would be something good in this world.

Love always, 

Niall.

September 17, 2009