stages of a burden | ranposano

iv. purple hyacinth

forgiveness.

Honey drops of sunlight peered through the curtains into their shared living room, engulfing them in warmth as a movie played on the TV. Heaters were turned up to their highest as fluffy blankets wrapped over the two of them to shut the cold away.

It was cosy and warm, feeling like a home where they both belonged. It was as if they were in their own little world. At this moment, he felt like this was the closest he would get to reaching a state of euphoria with her. He had already accepted that this would be enough for him, that he wouldn't ask for anything more from whatever heavenly force was listening to him up there. Coming to terms with his feelings for her had put his mind much more at ease, and perhaps it would be easier if he told her the truth.

The thought still terrified him. The thought of losing her in more ways than one lingered in his mind whenever he had mustered enough confidence to tell her. It haunted him at night thinking about it, weighing out the pros and cons that were ultimately of no help when it came to making a decision.

But being truthful was the best thing to do for the both of them, no matter how much it terrified him.

Just as he was about to speak, a choking cough came out instead of words. Even with a glass of water to soothe his throat, his coughing fit didn't stop. "Ranpo-san?" She asked worriedly, trying to rub his back like it would make a difference. Not like this, he thought. She can't find out like this.

He stood from his place on the sofa, popping the delicate bubble that had concealed them from the outside world. He covered his mouth with a shaking arm, trying to hide from her the blood and purple petals that spewed from his lips.

Before he could make his escape to the bathroom like he always did, she managed to get a hold of his hand in a desperate attempt to make him look at her.

"Ranpo-san, please," she pleaded. "Tell me what's going on." The disheartened look in her eyes was painful to see, it was obvious that running away was hurting her every time he did. He knew that he was only creating more misunderstandings by keeping quiet, never explaining a thing to her. He knew he was being a coward right now. He knew being honest is what he should be doing right now instead of running away.

But he just couldn't do it right now. Right now was just too much for him.

Tears brimmed his eyelashes and she was on the verge of crying too. "I'm sorry," he whispered, barely audible behind his arm but she could still hear him, she always did. "Just not- I can't right now." He tried to pull his hand out of her's to get away before his coughing fit started again but she only held on tighter, as if her life depended on it.

"Why not? What are you so afraid of? What's stopping you... from telling me the truth?" Her voice broke in between her cries.

She had all these questions that he could provide the answers for but was too scared to let them spill from his lips. Her body was shaking now, all the tears she was holding in finally flowing free down her pale cheeks, all her frustrations and worries morphed into audible cries of desperation. "Please, Ranpo. Don't run away. Don't... leave me alone again."

Don't leave me alone again. He couldn't tell if the pain in his chest was blooming from the flowers or the hopelessness in her voice. As much as he wanted to hide from her, he knew leaving her like this would only break them further apart. If he left when she was in such a vulnerable state, he didn't know if he could ever forgive himself for it.

He collapsed onto his knees in front of her now, finally letting himself go from the restraints that were holding him back as his tears started to flow. His lips were quivering, wanting to say so much but barely finding his voice to say it.