stages of a burden | ranposano

ii. white peonies

shame and apology.

The tsunami of white petals stuck in his throat, threatening to come out to wreak havoc in the middle of their movie night together. He could barely breathe, the familiar heaviness in his chest returning as he clutched it tightly. She noticed his erratic movement towards the bathroom, sitting up on the couch and called out worriedly, "Ranpo-san, are you alright?"

He gave no reply, and even if he were to give one, it wouldn't be the truth. Being truthful with her used to be nothing but second nature, it came so naturally to him before. He didn't understand what happened since then, why meeting her eye became so difficult when it used to be his favourite thing to do.

Staring into her magenta-coloured eyes was like therapy to him, getting lost in the abyss of warmth her irises brought him for when he spared a glance at her for a moment too long; it had always been his favourite for a reason unbeknownst to him. Now, even the thought of it terrified him. It terrified him to think that one day, he would have to come to terms with what he was feeling. It terrified him to tell her, increasing the chances of ruining the friendship they've built up over the years.

He was afraid to ruin everything all because he let his heart be selfish for just a moment. That wasn't what she deserved. He didn't want to do that to her. He didn't want to ruin her just because he couldn't keep whatever this was under control.

He heard the soft knocks on the bathroom door as he wiped the tears that bordered the corner of his eyes, replacing his glasses that helped to mask the purple that shadowed the underneath of his lower lid. Her voice was muffled as she asked concerned, "are you okay? Do you need me to bring you water?"

"'M fine. Don't worry about me." He replied, trying to not let the tears crack his voice for his broken emotions to shine through.

He heard a sigh on the other side. "We can finish the movie another time, alright? Get some rest. I'll leave some medicine on the counter if you need it." Hearing her footsteps become distant, he slumped his back against the door, hugging his knees close to his chest with his head down in shame. He felt horrible every time this happened. Whenever these damn flowers building up inside him put whatever they were doing to a hold, where he would have to conjure up an excuse just to not make her worry.

Most times, she would try and pry to find out what was wrong, because who wouldn't be worried for their friend if they suddenly burst into a coughing fit? But this time, he could hear the defeat in her voice, and it chained a burdensome weight on him.

Tears brimmed his eyelashes as he closed his eyes shut, frustrated with himself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, fuck I'm so sorry." He continued to whisper into the cloth of his nightwear, muffling his cries as the tears flooded onto his sleeves, staining them with his heartfelt sorrows. "'M so sorry, Yosano-san. This wasn't supposed to happen." He choked on a sob caught in his throat, a cry barely managing to come out as his voice became lost.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for feeling this way. I'm sorry for falling for you knowing I can't have you. This is my burden to bear alone, it was selfish of me to ever get you involved.