Scorned til I founded me

Chapter 1: Do I please you or me?

It was June 10, 2021. Miles had just finished graduating high school but decided not to attend college. He felt that going to college would not support the career he wanted to be in which is opening homes around the city of Charlotte to help the homeless. Miles always had the heart to give, but always had a problem receiving.

Around 8'o clock that morning Miles was sitting on the couch watching his favorite show "Greys Anatomy" while his mother "Ms. Nelson" was getting ready for work. As he began to doze off his mother came in pulling the blanket off him and stated
"Look, you need to find yourself something to do than just sitting on my couch all day. I don't want you to end up like your father just worthless." Miles sat up on the couch and just stared at his mother for a second, but began to say
"Momma, I start my new job tomorrow. I am doing something. I just graduated high school". Ms. Nelson put her hand on her hip and looked at him very closely with a frown on her face.
"So you think you did some good with just a high school diploma. I expect better from you! How you call yourself my child, but can't even go to college and make something of yourself. You wanna work for a white man all your life?" Mile shook his head and began to stare in a daze. Ms. Nelson grabbed her purse and keys and stormed out the door. Miles knew his mother wanted him to go to college from the start especially since she was a principal down at Charlotte High School where he had graduated from.  He felt as if she only wanted him to go so she could look good to all of the staff members she worked with. He felt as if she never asked what he wanted. It's all about making the wonderful Ms. Joanne Nelson happy. It's like she was there to support, encourage, love, and show guidance to the kids at the school, but what about me? What about my happiness?.

Miles dozed back off to sleep and slept well for about 3 hours. He woke up and grabbed the lab-top that was sitting on the living room table and signed up for classes at Charlotte Area Technical College where he will be studying & taking up education courses. He thought of at least taking classes in criminal justice since it was at least a little interesting to him, but he decided to please his mother so she could be happy. Miles watched his mother go through the toughest divorce with his father and vowed to himself to always make his mother happy despite what he had to go through.

Miles's parents were married for 20 years before the divorce. He was 12 years old and mature to understand what his parents were going through took a toll on his mother. He even remembers witnessing their fights due to his father having an alcoholic and drug problem. He cried & cried many nights in the basement so he could not hear the arguing and fighting and even turned up music to block it out. After the divorce, his father did not come around for a holiday, birthday, graduation, or even the death of miles older sister Vanessa. Miles was lost fatherless feeling hopeless, uncared for, and even though his parents' divorce was his fault. Yes, he knew the alcohol and drugs played a part, but as a child when you feel as whatever you do is always wrong to your father you feel like "damn, am I a mistake?. Did I take your fun & happiness away when you became a father?"

Later in the day, Miles picked up his younger brother  Major from school, who was a freshman in high school at Charlotte High school. Ms. Nelson had to stay behind for a staff meeting so she texted miles to pick him up. As they walked in the house miles began preparing dinner as major sat at the table and pulled out homework. As miles was seasoning chicken he felt major staring at him he tried to avoid him, but couldn't. He looked up and said,
"Major, why do you keep looking at me is there something you wanna say" with a smirk. Major looked down and began to say,
"Brother I am proud of you. Like everyone talks about you at school saying how smart you are and all the things you can do like I'm very happy your big bro". Miles stopped and paused and his eyes began to water as his heart was full of love & acceptance, but stopped and laughed it off so his brother wouldn't see Him emotional. He began to start back seasoning the chicken and said.
"Appreciate it, little brother. I'm trying but you know how it is without dad being here, but I got you and mom to the fullest. I know Vanessa looking down proud of you too getting good grades in school". Major smiled and replied,
"Yeah I know she is. Sometimes I still feel like she's here with us you know, but just in spirit." Miles smiled as he looked at major.

9'o clock had hit and Ms. Nelson came storming in while major was showering and Miles was on the couch watching tv. She looked at him and said,
"So what did you do today? Just sit here and be on that phone all day." Miles turned the tv off stood up And said with a straight face with sadness in his voice,
" no that's not all. I signed up for my college classes in education. I start next week and I'll be staying on campus by the way". Ms. Nelson looked at him and replied,
"Finally you decide to make something out of yourself. I'm not raising any bum nigga. You will go out and do right. Need to make an example for your brother ain't no man in the house so that's your responsibility boy, so I don't think staying on campus a good idea cancel that and do classes online." Miles stared at her feeling like whatever he did wasn't right again. The same feeling he had all these years when his father left he was feeling them again, but Miles respected what his mother said and decided to only do classes online so he can continue to make her happy.

In the middle of the night, everyone in the house was sleeping except Miles. He was in his room crying asking himself "Why do the woman I wanna please treat me like I'm just a failure". The woman who everyone thought so highly of was giving the love, support, and affection to others except for the kids who needed it the most which were Miles & Major the ones she birthed. Miles's mind was wondering he didn't know if she was doing that because she was still hurt off the loss of his older sister Vanessa or if it was because he looked so much like the man who hurt her who was his father. He didn't wanna tell his mother his true feelings because he knew she wouldn't listen or act like what he was saying didn't matter. She always measured his pain when it came to everything that went on with him and yes even the passing of his sister. He kept thinking "Why can't I just please her so she can be happy again?". He fell asleep feeling broken, lonely & confused.