𝗞𝗶𝘀𝗺𝗲𝘁 ~ 𝗘𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝘀𝘀

Anhedonia

Anhedonia

(n.) The loss of interest and enjoyment in all activities that you once liked.

I layed in the hospital bed. The only sound in the room was the beeping of the electronic vital sign monitor. The air was cold and my mouth felt like cotton and I couldn't move without being in tremendous pain. The only thing I could think about was Emily laying there with that wooden stake sticking through her gut and tears began to pool at the bottom of my eyes. That was until half the team came rushing in. I quickly bit my lip to try and stop from bursting into tears.

"Hey kiddo." Rossi was the first to come in with a huge bunch of flowers.

"Where's Emily?" I didn't look at any of them, my eyes staying focused on the wall in front of me.

"Still in surgery." Hotch answered a little too quickly.

"When will she get out?"

"We're not sure."

"When can I leave?" I finally looked at Hotch.

"It won't be today."

"I'm assuming you guys know."

"Yes, about how Emily and her old team lived closely with Ian Doyle while you were in Canada under the name Lauren Reynolds." My eyes darted around the room because I thought he was lying.

So he doesn't know I left my post in Canada when she went to live with Doyle in France? About Raya Lambert? About my part on that team? What the hell?

"Oh." Was all I replied with. I could tell Morgan was going to say something until JJ came in with tears in her eyes. My breath caught in my throat and the room felt like it was shrinking.

"She didn't make it off the table." I ripped the IV out and all the other wires attached to my body clattered on the floor, despite the pain I climbed off the bed and trudged toward the door. Hotch had to pick me up and hold me down on the bed as I screamed and sobbed into his shoulder.

She was dead. The woman I had put my everything into, even my love just gone. I watched her die not even a foot away. This is my fault.

"Kira." Hotch was standing over me.

"Please let me see her, I need to." I pleaded. He shared a look with JJ.

"I'm sorry Kira, that's not a good idea."

"Hotch." Tears glossed my eyes again as I begged.

"I can't- you can't Kira." I rubbed my hands over my face as I took deep breaths trying to calm myself down from the anxiety attack I felt building.

—-

Almost three months passed and I finally had returned to work but I barely talked and smiled even less. I just couldn't cope with Emily's death. I haven't even been getting any time to myself, I've had security detail on me in case Doyle comes back.

I was sitting at my desk doing some paperwork but I still have barely gotten any sleep due to nightmares I've been having about that night so I was nodding. I finally drifted off until the piercing sound of gunshots echoed in my head and I slammed my hands on my desk to balance myself. Everyone looked over at me and I mumbled an apology. I felt like I was going insane. A week ago someone set down their coffee mug and I fell out of my chair.

—-

I shot out of bed tears streaming down my face and I called the only person that I had been talking to about how much pain I've been in.

"Hotchner."

"Hotch it's me."

"What's wrong Kira?" I could hear his bed crack like he was standing up. "Did you have another nightmare?"

"Yeah but it wasn't like the others, I was the one who killed Emily. I stabbed her with that stake." I admitted, I hated admitting how much this was affecting me but there was no other way.

"Kira.." His voice trailed off. "I want you to try and get some sleep okay? I'll bring you breakfast at the office tomorrow and we can talk. If you can't get to sleep in an hour though, call me and I'll stop by."

"Thank you." I hung up the phone and even though he barely said anything, something about it was reassuring. I didn't actually end up getting back to sleep but I didn't want him to leave Jack at home.

I came in to work the next morning and Hotch called me to his office. I walked in and it smelled heavenly.

"You got waffles?" I was shocked.

"You honestly deserve it, you've been through a lot, the least I should get you is some waffles. I have a question though."

"What's up?" My mouth was full of food.

"Did you and Garcia ever make up?" I quickly swallowed the food in my mouth but didn't take another bite, I lost my appetite.

"No."

"Why don't you talk to her?"

"Why don't you bud out." I grumbled.

"Kira listen to me, you've been a mess since Emily's funeral-"

"Yeah because you people buried her when I told you she always wanted to be cremated." I was becoming angry.

"I know but it was short notice Kira I-"

"No, I need to go." I rushed out of his office and grabbed my purse from my bag.

"Kira, wait." He called after me but I shut the elevator in his face. I just blew up at my boss over something there wasn't a need to get angry over. We weren't even talking about Emily and I made the situation about me. The door opened to the parking garage and walked to my car. I crashed into the driver seat and took a deep breath. I knew Hotch would come out of the elevator any second so I just decided to meet him over there to apologize.

I climbed out quickly and jogged as the doors opened. That was until a hot blast of air knocked me to the ground.

"Kira!" I looked up to Hotch running toward me.

"What's happening?" My words were slurred from when I hit my head on the concrete.

"Your car just blew up." He continued talking as he picked me up but I couldn't hear him the world around me became foggy and a few seconds later I was out.