Sincerely, S.H

Chapter 12

The sun rises while I sleep, and thankfully, it is the next thing I see after closing my eyes. My sleep was thankfully dreamless, unlike yesterday when I unknowingly dreamt of the same demon twice. But I don’t want to think about that. I don’t ever want to think about that again. I just want to act like it didn’t happen until I can’t even remember it if I try. I close my eyes and try to picture something peaceful. Nothing. All I can do is think the words “something peaceful” as the darker thoughts force their way to the surface and the part of my mind that I can still control is almost defenseless.

Nick. Nick is something I can focus on. But where is he?

At this thought, I throw open my eyes and whip my head back and forth in an almost frantic scan of the hospital room. He was here when I feel asleep, but where is he now?

He has things to do. His world doesn’t revolve around you. He has classes, and homework. He has his family. He has his girlfriend. How can you expect him to devote so much time to you? He visited you yesterday even past visiting hours. What more do you want from him. Do you want him to remove his vital organs so that you may hold them in your hands and know that he can never leave you? You are sick, Shauna, really sick.

I push this voice aside. I have to find Nick.

T embark on my quest, I fling off the blankets that covered me, one of which I now realize can’t be a standard hospital blanket because it has the face of a white cartoon cat on it. Nick must have brought it. I smile, for what seems like the first time in a long while, at his thoughtfulness. I needed blankets so he brought one that referenced our most recent conversation. My bare feet on the cold floor cause me to look down. I’m in a hospital shift. Great. It’s almost humorous how I can worry about my modesty after everything that’s happened. Nevertheless, I wonder who changed me, and I wish I had clothing to cover my backside. Whoever designed these stupid hospital gowns was a sick man. Who just sits around and thinks “You know what sick people need; to show their butt to the entire hospital.”

I pull my feet off of the floor and put them on the frame of the bed as I contemplate my options. I could sit and wait for him to come here. No. I can’t just wait. I could just go. I could take a blanket with me. That last one seems to be the best. I’ll look ridiculous, but at least I’ll be warm and unexposed. With a sigh, I put my pale feet back on the icy floor and gather a blanket from the bed and wrap it around my shoulders. I feel childish and small as I open the door, and somehow the fact that I have a hello kitty blanket covering me doesn’t help with that particular issue. Whatever, I have bigger issues to deal with than my senseless attire.

As I exit my room and enter the white fluorescent and sterile hallway, I realize that I have no Idea where to even look for him. For a moment, I consider giving up and going back to the bed to await his arrival, but I decide against it, fearing what could happen if I allow myself to be alone for too long. With a glance to each side, I decide to go left because I see an elevator at the end of the stretch of the long stretch of pasty tiles. It’s my best bet. Afterall, what are the odds he is even still in the hospital? He probably left to live his life.

Then why are you going to ruin that for him.

Because that’s what I do.

No. I need to stop tormenting myself like this. Nick cares about me. I’m sure he’s around here, and if he’s not, he has a good reason.

The floor in the hall isn’t any warmer than the floor in the room I awoke in, but the determination that pulls me forward past the occaisional doctors, nurses and other patients is telling my feet that the cold that they endure is for a good cause. My resolve gets me to the elevator and I push the down arrow assuming that I am on an upper floor. It never actually occurred to me to check, and I certainly don’t remember getting here. No matter, there are no basement floors, so heading towards the elevator was the correct path for me to take. In a few seconds, I hear the ding of the elevator arriving at my floor. The door begins to slide, and my heart floods with relief when I see Nick standing on the other side with a tray of food in his hands.