My Diary- An Online Diary

How I've Been/Recap

   Hey, welcome to my diary. Today's entry will be a bit longer than normal I imagine. Well, because I feel I have to build on some kind of foundation. So, I guess I'll go over a brief review of how things have been lately.

     I recently got out of the Navy after serving for 2 and a half years. As recent as December 8th! Fun stuff lemme tell ya, having to move and all with like 5 days of notice. I got out of the military earlier than I initially thought I would, instead of doing the 4 years I signed up for. I got out due to a string of horrible things that happened at the beginning of my career. For one, I sucked. I sucked a lot, I messed at everything in boot camp, and I was singled out pretty often due to how often I fucked up. I took everything to heart that was said, that I was no good, I wasn't made for this, I was a failure, I was a child, a piece of shit, and a "shitbag". Well, just a couple weeks away from graduating? I got some bad news. It was after I had just failed my final PRT (Physical Readiness Test), and since I failed I'd have to retake it. If I failed? There's a chance I wouldn't make it and be sent back home, and be given 1 more chance after. I was bummed out, and frustrated. After getting back to the barracks from the training, I was called into the office with an officer, a chief, and my lead RDC that was also a chief. This looked super serious, and I thought it was due to my failure, and I immediately stressed out about it. My hands clenched, throat tightened, I went into the office expecting the worst, my commander saw this and told me "You're not in trouble bub, sit down". I had received a red cross message. I was told about what that meant just a week before, it either meant a family member/spouse was in some horrible accident, brink of death, or dead. My sister had committed suicide at the age of 18. And she did it only 2 weeks after her birthday. It wrecked me, and hit me like a truck. But, due to it being boot camp I just kind of had to suck it up and move on. I got to call my family and all, but I never really got to grieve properly, not until probably a year later. During that time, I was depressed, alone, and developed some nasty anxiety. I tried filling that void with relationships that were never meant to be, and usually just made things worse. I pushed everything off, and only did what was needed. Even then, I usually just fucked everything up, even after boot camp I was known as one of the shittiest sailors in the command. Was always either late, missing some part of my uniform, sick, didn't shower, injured, and was an anxious mess. The one thing I had going for me was the fact I was a 'good' person. I was extremely respectful and kind, and would often volunteer to cover shifts, work charity, etc.

     Getting out of that command, and to the next one? Became an alcoholic, became extremely depressed and anxious, and was basically a ticking time bomb. And had to be pulled from my work place eventually due to me having a full mental breakdown where I suddenly stopped speaking, spasmed and just started bawling. I literally couldn't speak. I snapped. They asked about it, and I mentioned it had been due to the holidays and how I missed family and how my sister and her death really fucked me up even then. Due to that, they practically ordered me to go home to visit family. I didn't really wanna go home, it would hurt a lot probably. Most of it was fine though, until I saw her grave. I never got to see it, and when I saw it? I broke. My mom brought me there, and I told her to wait in the car. I went to her grave, yelled, cried, screamed, and broke down. But eventually I accepted it, and was able to take it in. I lost it a few times, but was able to make it an overall positive experience. I was able to talk to her almost. Not literally of course, but I could pretend at least. And, it was oddly comforting. Just pretending to talk to her, and update her on how shit my life had been shit lately was really nice. I had been suicidal off and on for some months, and seeing her there invigorated me and motivated me to want to live. At the time anyway.

     Anyway, I went back to do Navy stuff and basically went back to drinking, working, isolating myself from everyone ... well until I got into a relationship. I was on a bender one night, and had downed a fifth of vodka, and was playing some VR, and was playing a game called VRChat, just going through random lobbies talking to random people and telling them how drunk I was. But, eventually I just became really sad. I was just crying, yelling, and screaming. Until, someone randomly came up to me and told me to talk to them so they could calm me down. She was amazing, understanding, compassionate, interpersonal, emotional, experienced, and overall pretty attractive. Pretty sure I fell in love that night, because later on when I had sobered up, I asked her out. It was a magical night, and even now? It hurts looking back, it's extremely painful considering how she fucked me over. I LOVED HER. It was the first time I had ever loved someone, and she just straight up ripped my heart out, pissed, shit, puked on, and stomped it to oblivion. To be honest? I don't know if I've even gotten it back since then. Everything was great for the first couple months, until ... Christmas. Work had been getting more stressful, and on top of that was told to cover way more shifts, and would have little to no free time. So? I would never sleep, and just drink when I wasn't talking to my girlfriend, and sometimes I would just drink anyway. Well, one night I was told that she cheated on me, with multiple people. I didn't believe it though, even though it came from one of her friends. Well, I didn't think too much of it. I drank my heart out on Christmas, I was in a lot of pain and just didn't wanna think about any of it. Well, then I became suicidal. Very. I got so scared, that I poured out all my liquor and swore to never drink again even though I was basically an alcoholic at the time. I signed myself up for rehab and some substance abuse programs to help. Well, shortly after I signed up for those things my girlfriend started drinking massively, even when we were hanging out. It really hurt, cause it just made me wanna drink. Well, I did. I drank, a lot. I went back on a promise I made to my then best friend at the time and was shit wasted when they talked to me next. They still haven't talked to me really since :(. Anyway, New Years comes around. I was wanting to hang out with her, I missed her. But, she wanted to go hang out with friends. Some nights she wanted to do that, when I was working or going to sleep. Or even randomly when we were hanging out. Well, the day after I was told by another friend that she cheated on me *again*. This time, I couldn't really ignore it. This time it was a pretty close friend of hers, not mine. They didn't even know me too well, they just knew I didn't deserve it. They provided proof aka some other people to vouch, of which were also her friends. It got even worse when it got confirmed by our mutual best friends, which she's a lot closer to. And they happened to be hanging out with someone she had cheated on me with, and they confirmed it, showing texts and all. It fucking wrecked me. I was so invested, in love, and even a bit emotionally dependent on them. Most days, they were the sole reason I felt good. They made me like myself. This basically threw all of that out the window. When I confronted her about it, she lied to me, and called me a piece of shit for doubting her and her love. And you know what? I believed it for a minute, because I loved her that fucking much. However, that same guy that she got with? Texted me, showing how she texting him asking what she should do. And he jokingly mentioned "manipulating him" and straight up did. Basically ruined all trust for me. And due to that, I became a massive alcoholic *just* before I was going to rehab. Went on bender after bender, even coming into work buzzed a couple times.