My Diary- An Online Diary

25th December 2021

     Dear Diary,

Today sucked, sincerely. I've been feeling sick for the past few days and today I feel like it's all just adding up to make me feel even worse today. About an hour after waking up, I randomly had my vision black out, with my head extremely light headed, and nearly passed out. Thankfully, I was near a wall and was able to steady myself. Been hydrating myself quite a bit lately, in fact water has been the only thing I've been drinking. I'd be drinking milk, but it would probably just worsen my already existing shitty congestion of which is now all over my face. Got the sniffles, and constant stuffy nose. Gotta love it. Also, been feeling pretty weak overall, and have been having to move pretty slow compared to how I usually am. Overall, I didn't get to do a whole lot and was just in bed. Yesterday miffed me overall and it carried over to the next day, and felt like I didn't sleep at all. Yesterday really messed with me, a lot of things went on in my head I'd much rather not think about. Came to tears a few times, with flashes of the past washing over me several times. I felt the only thing I could do half the day yesterday was space the fuck out and try not to delve too far into the past. PTSD, what a bitch. We were celebrating Christmas over at my great grandmothers house, and by the way? It was lovely, crowded and all, but the food was great and the people were greater. But, the amount of people, noise, the lights, laughing, yelling, screaming, set off a lot of things in me that wanted me nowhere near there. Several times I had wanted to walk out, I wanted to yell, scream, and cry. I thought of death, abuse, a bad going at the doctors/dentist, loss, and whether I was suicidal or not. Was not a fun time. On top of that, I just felt incredibly lonely, in a crowd of people. I just wanted to be alone, more than anything but instead I was in the noisiest possible place I could be. Hated it. On top of that, last night was the first time I wrote in this Diary. I went into quite a bit of my past that had been bothering me for a while and even now is still bothering me some. So, I've been in a bit of a funk since. Sad, confused, and a bit frustrated.

Today wasn't really anything special ... well aside from it being Christmas. I woke up at 8:30 am to my grandpa waking me up in my flattened air mattress, that once again leaked all the air out. Thinking about it now hurts my back already. Went downstairs to open presents with my siblings, it was really nice seeing my brother and sister get nice gifts that they seemed to enjoy. Grandma, Grampa, and my mother/stepfather all enjoyed their gifts too. I had 1 gift, and I'll take it. First gift that I've had on Christmas since what feels like forever ago. They got me razors, a jacket, and a pair of boots. Fitting considering I'm in Michigan now in the middle of winter. I loved it, sadly the boots don't fit though so they'll have to return them and get me another pair. I don't know what to make of the razors though personally, because I've grown out my facial hair entirely since being here without shaving since December 8th. I decided not to shave, due to a personal rebellion of sorts.

I was told after coming here, the day of and I was just settling in, that I had to censor myself. In front of my brother anyway, of which is around like 90% of the time. In terms of censoring, my mom/stepdad told me I couldn't act feminine, look feminine, talk about being pansexual, bisexual, or that I'm nonbinary. I was born male, and I had only recently figured out I wanted to be this way. Like, I only figured out I was Agender 2 months ago. But I had been questioning my gender for the past 6-8 months now.  Of which my mom had been kinda mixed about it all at first. First, it was me questioning being Christian, becoming Jewish, then becoming agnostic. Fun turn of events for a very conservatively raised Christian mother. She took it relatively well considering though, and has since been pretty supportive it all. However, I've only *very recently* became comfortable with my gender identity and started dressing up femininely in public, going by other pronouns, even wanting to change my name from Jesse Owen ____ to Jesse Brianna ______ in honor of my sister, as well as a feminine twist to the name. Anyway, get home and get told that I basically can't be me. Something that took a long time for me to do, and that I had only very recently became comfortable with, and being told to be as masculine as possible and just be a man constantly. It sucks, and I hate it. I wanna look pretty, I wanna wear some makeup, wear cute outfits, grow my hair out, etc. Nope, not happening here apparently. All because it would "confuse" my little brother that's 15. Their defense? That he's slightly autistic, of which I knew and was aware. But I had already talked about it prior with him, and he seemed fine with it, in fact was very supportive of it. He just wanted me to be happy <3 (love you bro) and told him I'd be his brother no matter what gender I was. Will always be his big brother, and will always love him with all my heart, support him through any decision he makes. It's just that I'll be looking and acting different than most people, but it makes me happy. And, you know what? He accepted that, and as I said was happy for me. But, for whatever reason? My parents don't care, and are being overprotective for no reason. So? Didn't shower for 2 weeks, didn't brush my teeth, and still haven't shaved. Why? Well, it makes me look so much more masculine. They wanted a man? They're getting a fucking man. Plus, I hate my fucking body, why would I want to take care of it? (I know that eventually I'll get out of here and all, depression has just been kicking my ass.)

Anyway, the present was fine. People started pouring into this house. Well, kinda. It wasn't a lot of people, but it was way too many for this house. It's a 2 bedroom house with a small living room and kitchen. And, somehow someway, my parents think it's an awesome idea to host a party there with 8 additional people when there's already 5 people in this tiny house. 13 people. Fucking cramped as hell. The Christmas food was amazing though, but I wasn't able to really talk to people there, and was shooed upstairs away from it all. (The second bedroom? Is the entire upstairs, and the room itself is pretty tiny. Attic conversion) So, I basically just went up and laid in bed for a few hours since I wasn't feeling well. Tried gaming some, but just couldn't get into the mood. I haven't been able to game for the past few days now, and it leaves me with very little to do. However, I eventually went onto Discord where I was able to talk to people I hadn't talked to in a while due to being depressed and pushing off people. I felt normal, for a couple hours. It was nice.

Sorry for the random cut, but it needs to be talked about. I've been thinking about my sister a lot lately. The same sister that committed suicide back in 2019. Since it's the holidays and all, the first Christmas I've celebrated without her. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much, I miss her so fucking much. I miss her more than anything else in the world, and it doesn't even come close. I love her more than anything in this fucking world and she was stripped of me. I keep thinking she'll just pop around, or have some witty comment to say in a conversation, but she's not there. I keep wanting to talk to her, because of all the things I'm feeling. A lot of things she's probably felt as well, we were so alike in that way. I could go to her for literally anything in the world, and you know what? She'd be able to relate. Best person to ever fucking talk to, and understood me better than just about anyone in the world. It's been so fucking rough the past couple years without her. And I have so much to say, and she's not here to hear any of it. It hurts, seeing everyone so fucking happy, laughing, the babies/kids are playing, while my sister is in the fucking ground. She should be here with us. Swear, feels like yesterday I swear to fucking god. I miss her voice, her laugh, our "language", fucking so much shit. God, and don't even get me started on the possible future she could have had. I bawled my eyes out for weeks, just thinking about not being able to see her happy another time. Not to be able to see her get married. Fuck, just typing that made me cry, it's still so fucking painful. Fuck these god forsaken god damn holidays. Times like these, I wonder why the fuck I'm not suicidal anymore. Why can't I just fucking die? But, no. I have to have motivation, I have to have love for family, friends, and others, I have to have goals and aspirations, fuck all that shit. Why can't I just have nothing. All of it has put me in such a bad mood and I'm tired of just hiding it. I've been wearing this mask for so fucking long. First my family censors my ass, now I cant talk to my friends that got me through all that shit in the first place when it felt like my family fucking abandoned my ass and never fucking talked to me when my friends were there for me. Now? I can't talk to fucking any of them because people in this house sleep like a fucking baby, I'm always up late, I'm never alone, I can't step outside because it's fucking Michigan in the goddamn winter. Fuck this whole fucking place. I hate it here. I hate my body, hate the holidays, hate how I'm treated, fuck. God, I'm probably just gonna go cry all this shit out. I wish I had my friends still, I wish I could call them and bawl my eyes out to them. I wish I could hug someone, I just feel fucking alone and stuck here. Like I'm in a prison. God, I'm counting the fuckin days until I get out of here.

Yeah, I guess that's my entry. I had a lot to say. Hopefully not so much next time. Anyway, catch you guys next time, cya.