25/12/2021
7:00 am
Dear my loving Allah..
Just like every past years, I'm spending my birthday with my tears. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm just sad. Perhaps, because I still don't get him yet. And I'm getting old one more year. I shouldn't be like this, but it's hard to control my heart. Why am I so emotional on my birthday?
I turn off my phone signal. I don't want to get any birthday message. I don't want a cake today, don't want a surprise, don't want anything. Want to hide under my blanket, dissapear from this world just for one day, like I never exist, on this day, on my birthday.
Forgive me, the master of love, ya Rahman..
Would you like to say, "Happy Birthday" to me? It's the best among all. And this year, I don't want any gift. I give it all to You. I'm waiting for Your surprise. Eh, wait, I said I didn't any surprise. Ya Rabb, allow me to be so clingy to You. You are the only one.
And all praise be to You, ya Rahiim, complete my goodnees.
What a beautiful present in this year. I just passed the test, and I'll be a teacher, goverment teacher. At least, I did something that made my parents happy because of it. Then, I didn't mean to count Your love, I will never be able to do that, but alhamdulillaah for making my womb clean, and refresh my liver,
Thank You, for everything ya Allah.
1:39 pm
Ya Rabb..
The mysterious thing of birthday is, I know that my family will give a cake and I still can't expect it even I actually expect it. And I smile even I know everything about the surprise.
I've just happy for it, ya Allah. Thank You so much for congratulating me. I laughed so much.
I was so happy for having my two sons beside me today and ofcourse my two sweet sisters. They congratulated me well.
But, yes, You just let my happiness happened for several minutes. Then You took it again. My son cried after my father shouted at him for wrong reason. He didn't laughed at his younger brother like what father tought. I hugged him tight like a baby. That's my best way to calm him down. Yes I was the one who always did that since he came into this world.
Then, father got angry to my second son just because he played with his bike inside of our house.
They are not coming from my womb but my sister's. But my love for them is real.
.
.
When I was going to do shalat, I heard father hit a box. I guessed it's my birthday cake's box. My heart.
I'm hungry now. But I couldn't go out from my room to take some food. Yes, this is my birthday. And I'm crying again. I need a hug. And yes, I'm alone. Like before, lonely.
Forgive me for saying this Rabb, but, I hate BIRTHDAY.
