I wish that was me.

32

I slowly sat down in my hotel room looking at the clock.

Where did it go wrong? Zayn was so happy where did we mess up and he decided he wanted to leave.

Was it my fault? Maybe it was my fault. Is that why he was being sort of off with me for a couple of days. I think it's all my fault. I drove Zayn away. Zayn doesn't want to be in the be as anymore because of me!

I took out my phone looking at the messages that hannah had sent me. I just sort of read them and left them. For once in my life I seriously had no intention on speaking to hannah. I just wanted to be in my own.

Another text come through to my phone and I looked down again seeing Hannah's name appear in the screen. Once again I just read it, but instead of just locking my phone i closed it and put it in the corner.b

I got up taking my shirt up and looking in the mirror at all my tattoos, why did I even get half of these my body looks unbelievably ugly. Why did I ruin myself like this.

My curly hair was a mess and I tied it up into a bun and then took another look at my body.

Disgusted: I was disgusted with myself. Why didn't I just leave the band then Zayn would have stayed. I looked at my spots and shook my head.

I heard a knock at the door and I walked over slowly. I opened it and a very upset niall came face to face with me.

"He's gone" he handed me a letter. He started crying and I walked closer to niall engulfing him into a hug.

Me and niall were always close, but him and Zayn seemed inseparable at one point.

"He left because of me" he cried. "What did I do, I would do anything to have him back this is my fault! I must have done something to him without realising I'm so sorry" he said crying.

I walked away from niall getting a tissue and handing it to him. We were all upset, but niall was devastated. How could I sit there feeling bad for myself when niall was in that state.

"I'm going to go, I just, I'm sorry, bye" niall walked off without saying another word. I got up from my bed and walked over to the door slowly shutting it.

I looked over at the little table where I had placed the letter niall had handed to me. I slowly opened the top taking out the piece of paper.

It was a letter from Zayn.

Dear harry.

I'm sorry for leaving without giving you all and explanation. All the boys got a letter, but I feel like I need to tell you and explain to you what really has happened. I wasn't feeling it as much as I used to. I thought maybe if I fake a smile and do a few dance moves I can have people fooled I was happy, but truth is harry there is a certain extent to how low my emotions can go, and the truth is, it is either my job, or my fiancé and I can't have both. It wasn't like management wanted me anyway. They were pleased to get rid of me. Actually, they told me leaving the band will make you all vocally stronger, they encouraged me, I don't want to be somewhere where I feel like I'm not wanted. I don't want to force a smile when I'm on stage. Rumour after rumour: this isn't the life for me and I'm sorry.

Please harry, stay in contact with me. I am so sorry, I never wanted it to end this way. I always had thought the last concert would be all hugs and jokes with loads of hugging, but I'm sorry that my last concert was spent with tears and you all didn't know why.

Truth is, I've been thinking about this for a long time. I just didn't have the heart to kill any of you boys spirits. You mean a lot more to me then I had ever given credit for and I love you harry.