This is NOT going to plan (a TMI/PJO fanfic)

Chapter 14 (Alec)

Warning: Contains possible triggers

I stumble backwards, falling on to the bed, as Nico's lips meet mine.

Is this even real? This is what I've wanted to do ever since the day I met him. Granted, that was only about a week ago, but still.

He begins to deepen the kiss but I hesitate in responding. As much as I hate it, I feel like I'm betraying both Magnus and Nico at the same time. Am I using Nico to get back at Magnus? No, Nico initiated the kiss. But still...

Nico takes my hesitation as lack of interest and immediately detaches his lips.

"I-I'm so sorry Alec." He goes for the shirt, and this time I let him take it with no resistance. He slips it on quickly and speaks again, with a shaky voice. "I-It was a d-dare. I'm so sorry... But I'm leaving now. You won't see me again, I promise." Nico leaves the room, before I find my voice. Before I can tell him I enjoyed the kiss. Before I can yell at him for kissing me, then revealing it was a dare. Before I can say a million and one things.

Before I can tell him that I love him.

The boom of the Institute door closing echoes throughout the halls. Numbly, I walk over to my bed and fall down on it. Sleep is my only release now.

*** (1 month later)

I stare at the ceiling, frustrated. Izzy has called me at least a dozen times for lunch. I don't feel hungry. In fact, I don't feel anything, but the pain.

The pain of a broken heart.

I've only felt this soul-consuming, mind-numbing, blinding pain once before.

When Max died.

Not when Magnus dumped me.

How is it that Nico, who I had only known for a week, give me more pain when he left than when Magnus, who I've known since I was eighteen, left? How does Nico leaving after only a week compare to the death of my baby brother? It shouldn't even come close!

Slowly, I roll up my shirt sleeves.

There they are. The scars. From when Max died. From the depression. From my blade.

With slow, robotic movements I walk to one of my drawers. I pull it out, further and further. Nestled right at the back, there it is. The blade has never looked so appealing.

I grasp the blade in my hand and walk to the bathroom. Nico's tshirt still lays there in a heap, bone dry.

The door is locked. The blade rests on my skin, and with memories of the kiss fresh in my mind, cool metal slices skin.

*** (2 months later)

Isabelle. Jace. Mom. Dad. Clary. Magnus. Even Simon.

I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

I can't live without him.

It's strange how I lived perfectly fine for nineteen years without knowing he existed. But once I met him, I couldn't live without him.

Simon, you were right to hate him. He is a good-for-nothing heartbreaker.

But I love him.

I can't- I won't go on without him.

I love you all.

And I'll finally see Max again.

-Alec.

I fold the paper a few times and address the outside to Those I Loved.

My fingers fly over the rope on the table next to me. I perfect the loop and finish it with a knot. Tying it to a rafter, I place a stool under it.

Adding a few finishing touches to the scene, I stand on the stool with rope snug around my neck.

Gazing around, I almost chicken out, but then I see Nico's shirt laying in a crumpled heap through the doorway. My resolve immediately strengthens.

I'm doing this because he rejected me. He led me on and kissed me, then said it was all a dare.

A dazed smile slides onto my face and I step off.

I am free.

A/N Well that took a turn for the dark side. But come over here, because we have Nutella!

But in all seriousness, I'm not glamourising suicide, and I certainly don't think you should commit over rejection.

Anyways, this was the finale, and yes, Alec is a little bit loopy.

Thanks to @GodsAgainstGoddesses for my amazing new cover, btw.

Epilogue next chapter and ily all.

Oh, and comment if I made you feel something!

~Apollo