Stumbling Steps

15| infeeneetee love

BLAKELY:

I had never been in this kind of state of confusion before or I might had during the time when I was thinking about how to give Kev the first hug.

So the first time I was feeling confused was because of Kev and even now it was because of him. How can he be the reason both the times? How many times he is going to be the reason of my confused state?

Maya's statement had left me wondering about it. She told me not to stay tense but she left me in such a state. I was so out of it last night that I ended up burning food for the first time in a while. I hadn't burned food ever since I turned sixteen. Before that, I wouldn't like to think about that.

I could not be in love with Kev? If I would have been in love, wouldn't I be the first person to know? And if I had already been in love why would I harbour a crush on a totally different person? That's ridiculous. I am not in love with Kev.

I agree that I do mention him a lot but you can not be in love with everything you mention. It was because of our friendship that I mentioned him.

My mind was unable to untangle the mess I was in from yesterday. I wanted to push the matter on the side for a while but to no avail. How could I when I couldn't stop thinking about it. There were questions after questions that kept popping in my mind and I couldn't block them.

There was an uneasiness that kept reminding me whether I did love Kev or not! Even after a lot of thinking and a lot of theories there was no result.

In the end, without any result I told myself- more like convinced myself that I didn't love him.

And with giving a great lecture to me in my mind that he was just my bestfriend I retired to sleep that night.

♡̷̷̷♡̷̷̷♡̷̷̷

My mother was crouched down in front of me since I was too short to reach till her shoulder.

"Here," My mother clasped the locket around my neck and patted it down. I looked at it closely and scrunched in confusion focusing on the pendant.

"Mom, what's this called?" I pointed towards the pendant and asked her with curiosity.

"Infinity," As the word rolled out of my mother's mouth I developed a liking for the word. It sure sounded nice to say it. IN-FEE-NEE-TEE.

"What does that mean?" It was question after question. A child's mind works in a curious way and they could ask more questions than anyone would ever.

"It means so so much. That is how much my love is for you," My mother explained it to me in easy words. The word was pretty and the meaning was pretty as well. Infinity love...Infinity care... Infinity chocolate!

"Then I have infinity love for you too but I can not buy you a necklace. I can make you a card though," I responded to my mother looking into her dark brown eyes. Her eyes were my favourite part of her face. She had these big eyes with thick lashes and most importantly her eyes scrunched whenever she smiled.

And it happened... Her eyes scrunched as she nodded and I quickly started to think about how to make the card. I wrapped my tiny arms around her neck and fell into a thought...

Glitters... Sharpies... Colours... Stars...

It's always the important things that break or are lost. I currently held the infinity necklace in my hand looking at the now dulled pendant. I had been wearing it for the past fourteen years so I should have seen it coming. Maybe I shouldn't have twisted it so much yesterday. It was now a habit to play with my pendant and yesterday my fingers were continuously playing with it. It's clasp broke today morning when I removed it to take a shower. It was not something that couldn't be repaired but I felt too down to even think about something else.

It had been my mother's gift to me and it meant a lot of things. This was not the only gift of hers I held onto but every single thing she gave me was there in my room, even the card I made and gave her was kept in my cupboard.

I was standing over the rooftop ledge of our school. Somehow I felt breathless. I had ditched the ride from Kev today walking to school alone arriving way before him. There was still a lot of time for the school to start.

"Ly?" Kevin's voice cut through the air and broke my chain of thoughts. Before I could process anything a hand was wrapped around my waist and I was being pulled down. The action was sudden, enough to send me tumbling into Kevin's arms and I was quite thankful to him that he kept his firm hold on me. I already had my fair share of falling first first into the ground because of my clumsiness and I had no idea how many more were to come.

"Were you planning to die?" He pulled me apart from him, turning me around and I saw the horror on his face and worry in those dark brown brown eyes. I had always been in love with dark brown eyes... First my mom's and now his. It wasn't just worry. It was more than that. Something I couldn't put words to... Something unexplainable.

"Not dying Kev, not dying," I truthfully told him. I was not planning to die. Yes, I was standing on the ledge and seeing how I kept tripping over it was not a very good idea to climb over the ledge and stand there when there were very few students . Even if I fell, no one would know. But I wanted to breathe. I felt my chest was constricted because I had broken something important. It was my fault.

"You scared me there for a moment Ly," Kev pulled me in his arms again and for a second there I was confused. I could feel his hand over my hairs as he kept caressing them. Would it count as a second hug? Or a third?

I was about to wrap my hands around him but he decided that it was a good moment to pull away and it didn't settle nicely with me. I wanted to hug him back but I kept the thought to myself.

"What were you doing up there then?"

"Thinking?" It was more of a question to myself rather than a statement. Should I have said breathing?

"Not a very good place to think. Ten out ten would not recommend you to think there" Kev eyebrows were furrowed together as he eyed the ledge behind me. A small laugh escaped my lips.

"I broke this," I showed him the broken necklace. I held it in my fist in a way that the pendant was out of it and swayed very lightly.

"It's not your fault that it broke. We can fix this, you know," My eyes were fixed over the pendant and I only nodded in response. Kev brought his palm forth and I opened my fist. The necklace slid from fingers into his palm. "I promise to get this fixed today,"

"Why are you here so early?" I asked the question that had been bugging me.

"Saw you leaving and I knew something was wrong,"

"Don't know me so well. Your future love will be jealous," I quoted back the words he said.

"I'd rather have you by my side than a jealous lady," His words made my heart stop for a second. It's a reverse reaction. Something that never happened. My heart never stopped beating hearing his flirtatious lines but I still playfully scoffed.

The matter that made me forget about Maya's statement was my broken necklace but what calmed me down was Kev. I trusted him with my necklace. My important treasure.

When I climbed down the stairs with Kev another question came in my mind.

Why did I feel sad when Kev broke the hug? Was it because I wanted to be comforted? Or was there an entirely different reason?

Maybe you are in love with everything you mention. I might be a fool who doesn't even know she is in love with her best friend.

But if I was in love with my best friend... Why did I have a crush on Owen? Was there any crush on him to begin with? But if I was a fool in love with my best friend, I could also be the fool to have a crush on a different person.