40 | happy birthday

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I isolated myself

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I isolated myself. For a whole week I
barely spoke to anyone, barely called and barely talked. Every morning I would wake up and the first thing I’d do is walk to my mirror, pull my shirt up and look at myself. Because of my mere shock and risk of insanity, I didn’t get to ask how far along I was but one can assume. Too early to show, but my mind seemed to believe that every day it will be different.

But it wasn't.

Every day for a week I just let myself be.  I let myself feel the pain, the anger I've had in hopes that by the time it got to Daniel's birthday I would be in the right state of mind. Fortunately, I was right.

Yesterday, I headed to the mall to buy something for him. I got him a watch, although he probably already has a ton to choose from I couldn't see him without anything. Maybe because I'd feel guilty that I didn't show up with a gift — or I just feel guilty cause I don't know how to tell him we're having a baby. How does one even begin to say it?

Hey, yeah, I'm pregnant. It's your baby. What now?

But that week passed like a storm. Before I knew it, I found myself getting dressed again for another event. Fortunately, my clothes still fit though, is it supposed to still fit? My mind is constantly filled with questions and I'm afraid if I stay home any longer I'd end up losing it. So, despite everything that's going on, I picked myself up. I picked up a dress, some heels and decided that for one day I could forget about this. And that's exactly what I did.

By the time the clock hit noon, I'd parked my car and arrived at the venue. For once, it's something new. A lunch party. Perhaps even Daniel had grown tired of the extra formal events. So for his birthday, he chose a garden event. Somewhere in the outskirts of the city, he paid a botanical garden for the day.

When I realised it was an outdoor event, I couldn't help but be relieved. All I could think about is how bad it is for me to be surrounded by big crowds in a decently tight space. I'd feel as though oxygen is being sucked out of me.

The venue was as serendipitous as it could be. Soft music hummed from the live band that's been hired. For once the sun shone over us through the thick clouds that hung over our heads for days. Flowers surrounded us and this time, it doesn't have anything to do with me. The smell of roses and sweet treats pleated the place and for once, I breathe in the new air.

If I were to take a gander, I'd say there were more men in here than women. Perhaps more of Daniel's friends. Dressed in sweet tuxes, laughing and drinking. I recognised a few such as the Grey brothers and Leon. Apart from the few, everyone else was unfamiliar. Though, I don't think it would matter.

I looked around for Daniel but was too scared to even see him that I just proceeded into the party. My first thought was to head to the bar but when I realised I can't even order an alcoholic drink to aid my ever-running mind, I just sat there, contemplating what drink I could get.

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