To my therapist

My Tyeso Tumbler

A not so happy way to end the year.

Storytime!

Before I start ranting lol may I please ask everyone who will take time to read this long-ass post to be sensitive in leaving negative words, if you find my rant "too much." You will probably think how a grown-ass lady like me can be ranting about such trivial things... so this is why I'm sharing this with everyone because clearly I just want to let all my sad emotions out of my system.

Growing up, I was always called out for being "spoiled" and that I had it way better than my siblings because I am the eldest. Contrary to this popular belief, I was in fact just suppressing a lot of my thoughts, wants, and self-doubts because, of course—aren't all eldest children trying to be the "perfect child"?

So I ask less—or when I do I make sure that it is as a reward of something I did; this explains why I try my best to do great in school so I can feel worthy of asking for anything at all. Being in a middle-class family, we do not buy anything that is out of the budget. So we don't get gifts for Christmas... birthday celebrations are planned months before it happens, and you can't just ask for things without being speculated why you need that something. And I hate the thought that you can't buy something just out of your 'want' to have it. So just as I said, I worked my ass in school. I juggle my priorities (even values) just to get the grades I know are worthy of being rewarded.

Still, being the eldest it's like the world has always expected you to adjust and understand the family struggles. As I grew older, I understand that we have bills to pay and that my siblings need the budget more so I ALWAYS TRY TO ADJUST, I wait for when it is my turn again. But I'm too old to be babied, I need my own way to sustain my 'wants'.

Since I'm only a student, the best I can do with my studies is to learn and earn from it... With the stipend.

And since I've been doing good in school—I get rewarded with money by the university, so I decided what better way to reward myself than to buy something I can use while studying and also serve as a remembrance??

Eventually, I bought myself a Tyeso thermo-mug something. I saved my money and waited for almost a month for it to arrive. I was ecstatic! I left the parcel at a friend's house since I was kind of going out of town during the holidays, so there was no one at home who could receive it for me. I was thinking of it for days, I even imagined bringing it to school, during my study breaks in the library. How I can order an iced coffee at Mcdo and pour the iced coffee in my Tyeso tumbler and bring it anywhere. I was basically looking forward to using it and finally feel that sense of "this is what I work hard for".

The package arrived, I went to pick it up from my friend and left the parcel on a bench near the doorway of our house. There was so much going on because it was the holidays that I forgot that I left my parcel on the bench. I was confident that nothing would happen to it since I locked the gates and I knew I was the last one to leave the house. We went out to eat dinner at my grandma's house, and while sipping the warm soup we had, it reminded me of my parcel—and once again, a rush of excitement flooded me. I couldn't wait to come home.

But to my horror, when I arrived the package was everywhere. It was in shreds—and the first thing I went to look for is my Tyeso tumbler. My Tyeso tumbler was barely in its package and the manual was nowhere to be found; and the plastic straw? in ruins. Immediately, I realized that I was wrong to believe that I was the last person who went out of the house when my sister was using my computer after I went out. So the dogs got in and played harshly with the packages.

I was livid. 

I worked hard for this, I instantly threw the laundry hangers I bought that day out of anger. How could she forget to close the goddamn gates when it was a house rule to close the gates and doors when you leave.

Of course, I can't hurt my sister... but I already did. So I started punching the walls, throwing out the chairs— because of my Tyeso tumbler.

But I know I was not the kind of person to be outraged by a broken parcel— this was an exception. This was not just a Tyeso tumbler, this was the bottled-up anger and disappointment I have been carrying for years. 

I was never the kind to spoil myself with material things because it makes me feel bad for some reason, and this one time I wanted to treat myself for making it, for staying alive— it's like the universe is telling me I don't deserve shit.

It broke my heart, there was nothing I can do... my four hundred plus pesos money was not coming back, there is no one in this godforsaken house who could console me— it's always have been "to each his own" but really that's more when it comes to me, I can't do shit. It's like they expect me to not feel anything.

Once again, I felt alone and helpless.

Way to end the fucking year, I guess. Hapi new fucking year to me.