Lost my reputation | B.E.

Chapter 6: shame, shame, shame

SMUT Warning

This chapter is pretty much entirely smut, though it's important to catch glimpses of what's going on inside Billie's brain.

I also wanna clarify that this was written before the Howard Stern interview.

Hope you guys enjoy!

____

Narrator: Someone

Billie loves porn.

There's just something about seeing strangers having sex that makes her wet between the legs; just the idea of sweaty bodies and broken moans is enough to get her going.

Although she has a very strong opinion about the world of porn – the misogyny, the fakeness, the absurdity of it – she can't deny that there's something so addicting to it.

Yes, most videos are catered to a male audience, she can't deny that, but she figures that she also has a right to take her pleasure into her own hands, even if that means compromising in the process.

She huffs at the thought, though, because she's aware her tendency to distract herself with pornography is bordering on unhealthy. 

She often tells herself that there would be worst things to be addicted about; besides, it's an overall great stress reliever - might as well rub one out than go and get high with sketchy people from the industry.

She doesn't really know if her reasoning would ever make her momma proud, but that's a good enough reason for her to carry on scrolling through the website she's currently visiting.

Billie cannot believe that last night, Happier than ever was finally released. No matter how hard she tries, she cannot bring herself to comprehend that a few hours ago, people finally got to hear – in the matter of an hour or so – everything she's been busting her ass off on for literal months.

She feels all over the place, honestly, but what she can tell is that she's feeling a mix between nerves and excitement and happiness and vulnerability.

All these emotions are, at the very least, overwhelming, and she doesn't really know what to do with herself; over the years, she's learned that the best way to deal with things whenever she launches a new project, is to disappear off the face of the earth and pretend the outside world doesn't exist.

She doesn't want to hear the criticism – doesn't want to see it. She knows she won't handle it very well.

Which is why, while people are probably talking about her all over the world right now - playing on the radio and being tweeted about - she's locked herself up in her room with the tedious task of choosing which porn video to watch.

As she sits cross-legged on her bed, computer resting on her nude-colored comforter, she half wonders whether she should be doing it or not – maybe she could try doing something more productive with her day, maybe write a song or call her parents.

It also doesn't help that she'd gotten the fucking of a lifetime the night before, a 'little congratulatory present' - his words not hers – and somehow, it didn't quench her thirst one bit. 

Quite the opposite, actually.

Both thoughts – images from last night and the shameful thinking that she might be addicted to sex – are enough to trigger a warm sensation in her belly, and she automatically wishes her boyfriend could've stayed the night.