Lost my reputation | B.E.

Chapter 15: in the room where you sleep

Narrator: Someone

Billie closes her eyes and takes a deep, steady breath, the leftover smell of blown out candles mingled with peppermint and vanilla and all-around sugary sweetness teasing at her nostrils. It's comfortable, it's reassuring and familiar - it's inviting, much like the firm chest her back is resting against.

That's what she loves the most about her birthday – the possibility of laying in the grass and having the sun warm her skin until the tips of her fingers turn red and cold and slightly clammy from humidity. Yet, the best part of it in her own opinion, is getting to go back inside the comfort of the house once the sun sets and being hugged by the strong scent of cinnamon and pine wood.

It's cozy, it's Christmas, and it's her entire years of life – the rush of the season, the excitement that when she goes to bed at night, there will be even more presents to open a week from now. Of course, now that she's officially an adult, the eagerness has worn off, but the anticipation is still there, right in the middle of her chest.

Billie's boyfriend leaves a sweet kiss in the crook of her neck – sticky from all of the candy cane cake they've had – his lips ghosting over her skin until he leaves one last smooch on her cheek. Billie can't help but smile in content, basking in the warmth of the sun and being 20.

Sitting between his open legs, one of her hands instinctively goes up to scratch at the back of his neck affectionately, relaxing her body back into his. By now, she's sure the dampness from the grass has seeped through both of their pants, but she can't find it in her to care.

The day's been perfect so far. December feels warm and exciting; surrounded by family and friends, life feels so, so good.

"I'm sad Adam couldn't come", Y/N breaks the peaceful silence, a clear pout in her voice.

Billie opens her eyes, squinting against the brightness of the Californian sun, and she finds Y/N straddling the bench of the picnic table in her parent's backyard. Zoe's sitting behind her, stuffing her face with birthday cake as if it was her last meal on earth.

Billie smiles fondly at that, and Maggie chirps in.

"Oh that's right, I thought Billie said he was supposed to stop by?"

"I know, but he's not gonna make it. He had to drive down to San Diego last minute to visit his grandma," Zoe explains before shoveling another spoonful of cake in her mouth.

"Oh no, is everything alright?" Maggie's voice rises in slight concern, and Zoe shrugs, swallowing the bit of food she'd just taken before speaking.

Eventually, the conversation fades into the background and Shark struts his way over to Billie. She pats the floor between her open legs, coaxing him to come lying on the ground in front of her, offering his tummy to her for some belly rubs.

In that moment, it occurs to Billie that the tightness in her throat she hasn't been able to get rid of, this feeling she hasn't been able to shake until now, may finally be slipping away, at last.

Scratching Shark's belly, the background conversation turns into a nice lull and Billie realizes that everything she's worked so hard for – the blood, sweat and tears - may have amounted to all of this. Right here.

To be completely honest, Billie has never really known what to expect from life, what she wanted out of it – being a dancer at times, being a mother at others. Yet, one thing that's always been a constant was her need to give, to love – and be loved back.

As she's sitting here, surrounded by her favorite people, it occurs to Billie that here is where she was meant to be all along – not as a guest on some TV show or on some red carpet or in a room crowded full of fans. Chest expanding with fullness and love, eyes tightly shut and blowing her worries away – making a wish and realizing that this is finally it.