Buffshroom: World's Strongest Mushroom

Part 1: Goblirates of the Idgaf Sea

The Buffshroom, the world's strongest mushroom, flexed. His muscular arms pulsed with strength against the ironium shackles. His restraints bent the slightest bit, giving him the slightest bit of hope, but ultimately remained firm. After exerting himself, he slunk down against the woodium wall that had been his prison for a number of days, the count of which he had long lost. The gentle sway of the ship, at first soothing, had become a constant reminder that maybe the Monkshrooms had been right and he should never have left home.

Two figures, roughly the height of the Buffshroom but made taller by the conical hats of their naval uniforms, appeared in the doorway to the brig. They were gnomes, one bearded and the other slightly less bearded, with sabres hanging off their belts and one carrying a small box. The other held a lantern, illuminating the ceramic-like consistency of their faces. Although their skin bore a glazed sheen, they were flesh, and blood, and malice.

The Buffshroom narrowed his eyes, his wide brown cap concealing his face. The gnomes reached his cell and undid the lock.

"You really beaned up, Shroom," the Bearded Gnome said as his compatriot slid the cell open. "The Overgnome himself wants to talk to you."

The gnomes stepped into the cell, hesitantly at first. When they saw the Buffshroom did not lunge at them, the Bearded Gnome set down the box and took out a few pieces that he began attaching to it, a needle, a crank, a brassium horn, and a crystalium disc. As he assembled the device, the Slightly Less Bearded Gnome told the Buffshroom, "Look, it's not too late. Just do what he says and you'll be okay."

"I honestly don't know who you think you are or why you did what you did," the Bearded Gnome added as he jammed the machine parts together.

The Buffshroom, in a voice as strong as his body, answered, "I'm the Buffshroom."

The Bearded Gnome stood up with the device and said, "The Overgnome isn't going to like that answer." He then lowered the needle onto the crystal disc and began turning the crank. The hologramophone screeched as the needle scraped along the grooves of the spinning disc, and a thin beam of light projected out of the horn. The light traced an image in the air, faster and faster until the image was steady, and its features sharpened into a flickering, two-dimensional grey-red visage of the Overgnome.

The Overgnome was tall for a gnome, with a streak of bloodstain down his beard that never washed out, the beard itself long enough that it had to be wrapped around his neck like a scarf, an eye patch, a uniform decorated with rows of medals, and a conical helmet topped with a nasty spike. He held one hand inside his jacket and the other clutched a cane, the tip of which was a goldium gnome skull with gemium stones in the eye sockets. The Slightly Less Bearded Gnome froze in a position of salute, and the Bearded Gnome did his best to salute while cranking the hologramophone, announcing, "The holy pillar of Gnhome, chosen father of Gnod, the first and the last of gnomekind, the Overgnome!"

The Overgnome's stared down the Buffshroom, and he spoke. "Normally the thought of taking time out of my busy day to speak to an un-gnome infuriates me. Every second wasted is a second that can be spent for the betterment of gnomish society. But I must admit, I looked forward to speaking to you."

"It's not mutual-" the Buffshroom began.

The Overgnome snapped at him. "You will not speak unless spoken to!"

"But I was spoken to," the Buffshroom replied. The Bearded Gnome and Slightly Less Bearded Gnome exchanged a nervous glance.

The Overgnome let out a sharp sigh through his nose. "I was looking forward to speaking to you, so that I could understand why you did what you did. Was it out of fear, or malice, or ignorance? You see, a lot of my advisors don't care to learn anything about the un-gnomish hordes. To them, you are all the same, just an enemy standing in the way of gnomish progress. But I am a gnome of science and diplomacy. There is a place for un-gnomes in the gnomish world. But progress is scary. When the un-gnomes lash out, I can hardly blame them."