ALL THIS TIME ― heejay ✓

author's note.

That's it for my second HeeJay fanfiction, All This Time. I got a bit carried away with it, but writing it was fun nonetheless. Honestly, I started this one expecting it to be something like 9K words like my SunKi one, but of course, I underestimated my ability to prolong angst lmfao.

You also probably saw how whipped I am for Ni-ki HAHA. No regrets. He is the loml and I will gladly star him in my books first chance I get. Also, I believe in Park Sunghoon MVP, whether in ship fanfiction or not. He's a real gem.

The idea from this one came, as stated above, by one of the best stories I've ever read—not just HeeJay, ENHYPEN, or fanfiction in general—one that really touched me and made me realize a lot that I hadn't. Thank you, @rei_pxn, for shooting the link at me I love you.

It was also inspired by a quote I read somewhere once, but I don't recall exactly what it is. That quote is personified in how Heeseung feels about Jay. When Yeonjun and Beomgyu are lecturing/roasting Heeseung, that was me being honest and sincere in my view of love.

Love can come in the classic type—butterflies, nervousness, sweaty palms, a feeling of euphoria—but I am also a firm believer in the view that love can be like how Heeseung feels with Jay. Warmth, happiness, safety, like they're your other half. And yes, that is how I feel about my boyfriend, so you can imagine.

One more thing I wanted to emphasize in this too-long one-shot is how dangerous miscommunication can be in any kind of relationships, platonic or romantic. In All This Time, Heeseung and Jay are best friends at first, but one wrong word from Jay resulted in him not wanting to talk to Heeseung anymore because he's scared, and that's what led to their first argument.

When Heeseung realizes that Jay has feelings for him, they both ignored each other, and that's what made their second argument so explosive. After the kiss, Heeseung ran off without a proper explanation, and that nearly destroyed their relationship for good.

I've seen with my own eyes how miscommunication can ruin a relationship beyond repair. My own parents' relationship is ruined because miscommunication ruined their it completely. I may have just turned fifteen in October 2021. I'm still young. But I know more than I want to know about that.

I tried to show how dangerous and scary, miscommunication can be. Heeseung and Jay were able to work it out, and realistically speaking, in their situation as idols who are colleagues and roommates, they would have to work it out, but sometimes, it just doesn't work like that.

Life isn't a fanfiction. Life isn't some movie where you and your partner/s make mistakes and you can sit around sulking and expect everything to work out fine. You need to do your part in it, no matter how guilty or wronged you feel.

So what I'm saying is—don't let your fear or anger rule you in situations like this. Heeseung is feeling some pretty heavy regret here, and so much guilt, but the day you mess up, you might have more to lose than he did. Beyond the fact that they're best friends, they are required to work out their differences. That's just how it is, unless they bring the whole team down in their arguments. It's the reality of the idol life. It's both a curse and a blessing here.

But, when you mess up, who's to say that there'll be something to motivate you to fix things? Heeseung knows he can't go on without Jay by his side; will you realize you might need your partner/s before it's too late? Heeseung had the option of being able to talk to people who knew what to do—Yeonjun and Beomgyu—but let's face it, realistically, the chances of having mentors for this kind of stuff are very low. Who's to say you'll have great mentors to guide you?

See how SunKi were telling them not to argue when they just got back? I want to tell you this. I've lost two people in the past year I haven't seen since 2017. Two people I loved so, so much, and yet, somehow, I managed to fall out of touch with them. One of them was my paternal grandmother.

We had our differences, but I loved her still. When you lose someone, you won't know when it is, and your differences will be the thing you will regret the most. That's why I believe it's always best to be the better person and work out those differences before you lose your chances.

What they meant was that they didn't know if and when they would get separated again. They didn't want HeeJay to argue because of that, and because they just got back together after being sent away. Ni-ki being alone in the isolation center? Sunoo being alone in the dorm? Ni-ki being away from Japan, he would consider the dorm his home. They'd feel it more acutely than anyone.

Yeah...this fic was definitely a place for me vent out a lot of my frustrations.

Somehow, I managed to make obvious how much I miss I-LAND and my emotional attachment to TXT too. And how Titanic makes me so emotional.

Anyway, that's it for my rant (?). I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you're interested in more HeeJay from me, I'm currently writing my first one, Perfect Pair, and it would mean a lot if you read it—and I have another HeeJay short story as well, Starlight & Stardust. I also have a SunKi one-shot, Still Love You, and a sequel is in the works!

Thank you so much for reading, and much love!

—Mari.