Tarnished

Chapter 1

"I can't do this," I cry into the mirror of a strangers bathroom for the fifth time this week.

I'm at my third party of the week. Of my life, if I'm being honest. And let's face it, I have been lying to everyone- to my fucking self ever since I was five fucking years old.

I angrily wipe under my eyes and end up smudging the dark eye pencil below my waterline along with the mascara on my lower lashes.

"This is fucking bullshit." And I don't mean the mess I've currently made on my face. I mean the mess that is my life. Because it can't be that— my life. All of this has to be a fucking nightmare.

I pinch my arm. Pain. I pinch it again. Pain. I pinch it, harder this time. Pain.

My bottom lip begins to tremble. I trap it between my teeth pissed off.

I need to stop with this weak bullshit. It happened.  Big fucking deal. I can't go back in time and change jack shit. I can only alter myself so it doesn't happen again.

A knock sounds at the door before the handle is turned.  My heart momentarily jolts in my chest afraid I might have forgotten to lock it.

It doesn't open.

I sigh, relieved. Yesterday a girl walked in on me pouring my eyes out. The poor girl didn't know what to do so after staring at me sniffling and crying for one whole minute she nicely excused herself.

That wasn't the first time it happened though. The first time I cried in the bathroom ten minutes after I arrived at my first party, a girl walked in. Not just any girl. Funnily enough, the girl who saved me.

Seeing me weak and vulnerable for the second time in a month, I had expected her to either tell me to get the fuck out or turn the other way and pretend she hadn't seen a thing. Instead, she hugged me and calmed me down and then went on her merry way, dragging me along with her.

Long story short Emma and I are now friends. She made me agree to come to parties with her until I was comfortable with my surroundings. However, she couldn't come the next day nor the day after due to an exam she has on Monday.

I grew impatient the third day and came. She doesn't know of course.

I feel like I'm being punished for breaking the promise because five minutes after walking through the front door, I ran into the bathroom to cry my eyes out.

Another knock follows ten seconds after the first.

I stay silent. They'll give up and eventually leave.

Despite the tears still streaming down my cheeks, with shaking fingers, I grab a tissue and try to fix the mess I made under my eyes. Thank god the mascara and eye pencil are waterproof. Although my mascara has clumped my lashes from my crying.

They knock again. "Yo, how long? I need to pee really bad."

I frown under my breath.

They knock even harder. "Cmon!"

"Do you have a dick?!" I shout.

"What?" He asks, shocked by my blunt question.

"Do you have a penis?!" I repeat sternly, rolling my eyes.

"Yeah..."

"Great. So you're perfectly capable of peeing outside or in a bottle. Goodbye." With that final note, I go back to fixing my make-up.

"Open the fucking door bitch!" He bangs his fist harder against the door.

I flinch and the tissue slides across my face, smudging the liner across my temple.