My Secret Santa [✔️]

/ E I G H T H / / C H A P T E R /

"Syd!" Karina yells from the living room.

"What!" I'm in the bathroom, finishing off my skin care routine with my hydrating moisturiser from La Roche Posay.

"Someone's calling you!"

"Ignore it!" I already know who it is. For the past few days, Satoru has been trying to contact me but, I haven't returned any of his calls. Is it rude and childish? Yes, but do I care? At this point, I don't. I can't seem to get him off my mind. Everything I do reminds me of our first encounter and I hate it. So ignoring seems like the right choice.

"The person's calling again! I'm going to answer it for you!" She said after hearing my phone ring for the second time.

"Ignore it Karina! It's probably a persistent scam artist! Ignore!" Shit, shit, shit. Why did I leave my phone unattended? Idiot.

"Sydney, it's Satoru!" She giggles in the most exaggerated manner. He can obviously hear that which makes this all the more embarrassing.

I run out of the bathroom and zoom straight into the living room, only then to realise that she's already done with the call.

"What did you say?" I panic.

"He said that he's been trying to call you, but you haven't responded. I told him that you didn't have his number so how would you be able to know and then he said, and I quote 'I asked her for her number so that I could contact her after her taxi ride on Thursday'. You know that's a bitchy thing you did, right?" She looks at me with her arms crossed.

"Karina, you know how I am with guys. I don't know how to react to nice gestures, especially if it's with someone I barely know," I attempt to explains but it's seems that she is not buying it. Her stance remains the same. "It's gotten to a point where I can't even touch my phone because of how anxious I become. And believe me when I say that I don't want act like this. Far from it. It's already embarrassing as it is."

"Sydney, I know how you are. One of the reasons you've taken this long of break since Lewis is because of how anxious you become when you like someone. So it's normal for you to naturally be nervous around Satoru. Regardless, it is wrong to ignore someone's call. At the very least apologise to him. Even if it's just a text. He deserves that," she nags.

Lewis James was my very first boyfriend. We met when I first started my accounting job at Aston Martin. Lewis had just completed his first year residence as an oncologist. Karina, back then, wanted us to be good terms as house mates so she insisted we go to a bar to get to know each other alongside Nobara. Through her, Karina met Kento.

Throughout the night Lewis and I kept on making eye contact with each other. I was too scared to introduce myself so I decided to store our little charades and continue my conversation with the girls. Towards the end, we walking towards the exit when Lewis stepped in front me. He seemed quite like I was which made me laugh. He asked for my name and number as he didn't have the courage to walk up to me. Because I found him charming, I had accepted his request.

Knowing my history with men, I figured this would not last long. To my surprise, he captivated me so much that we had our first date a few days later. He invited me to the exact bar where we met as it was the one he regularly went to. The whole night was spent with laughter and curiosity. Because I've never had a boyfriend nor had any experience of any sort, I kept on imagining a possible future with him. We were very similar.

We enjoyed staying home after a long week of hard labour. He was the one who convinced me to take patients on weekends as I looking to earn without overworking myself throughout the week. He was first in many ways. Without him, I don't think life would've turned out the way that it did.

He impacted me in many ways. Our break up is one of them. It was a normal Friday evening. He was meant to pass by to watch Eternals with me when I received a phone where Lewis coldly tells me to never contact him. Because it was my relationship, I thought it would be best to not show how much those words pained me. It had only been a year and I thought I met the love of my life.

The first week, I told Karina the truth. Didn't cry. Second week, I told Nobara and Sabrina. Didn't cry. Third week, Yuuji found out alongside Megumi and Saige. They all made fun of me. Didn't cry but rather joined them. Fourth week, I found out that he cheated on me. From that moment I called Lucy and Aaliyah and broke down crying.

I had never felt as much shame for myself as I did that day. I cried for a man who wanted someone else. A man who kept telling me to take my time for every step of our relationship. That man cheated on me. For good portion of that year, I believed that I was not good enough. I was not enough for him to be satisfied. I kept asking myself the question "what was I missing?".

Eventually, I stopped and never looked back. I now have to live with this constant fear that any man that bothers to speak me is only speaking to me to keep themselves busy. Sometimes I irrationally believe that they were sent by Lewis to remind me that I was not enough and I needed to be better.

Being a psychologist, I know the reality of what my mind is doing. I am projecting my insecurities onto others to avoid any sort rejection or a replication of my days with Lewis. I am aware of it. It is just hard to mentally remind myself. Especially when Satoru has shown a great amount of interest in me.

"Yeah, I will," I sigh as I gently snatch my phone from her hand.