My Secret Santa [✔️]

/ S E V E N T E E N T H / / C H A P T E R /

"What about you? What's your excuse?"

"What do you mean what about me?" Fuck, I shouldn't have asked. I'm getting defensive.

"Why are you here in the first place?" He sits up and picks up the blanket that was laying on the floor and spreads it on top of us.

Taken back by the action, I stare at him in confusion. "Why'd you put the covers on us?"

"I felt your goosebumps brush up on my skin," he touches my forearm and glided his index finger alongside the goosebumps.

I eject my arm back to its original spot. "Moving on," I try to not let it faze me. "I'm awake for the same reason as you."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"Why's that?"

"I'm not answering until you answer mine," I turn my head to the opposite direction of his face.

"Which is..."

"Why couldn't you fall asleep?" .

"You really want to know that badly?" He seems surprised.

"Just as much as you want to know my answer." I jokingly purse my lips.

"The reason I couldn't fall asleep was because of guilt." He professes.

"Guilt?" I turn my head back to his face as question his answer.

"I regret not comforting you while we watched that movie. I saw how terrified you were, but I never bothered to assure you that you lean onto me. I was too fucking timid and I want to apologise for that," his tone changes as he expresses his mental frustration.

"You don't have to feel bad," I gently pay his arm as I lay my eyes on him. "It's not like you could've comforted me even if you try," I sigh out of pity for myself. "The way it is with me is that usually the particular part in the movie that frightens me will remain in my brain for a couple months which causes me to feel paranoid at night. So you thinking that a quick hug whenever I felt scared during the movie would help is unfortunately ineffective."

Silence fills the room once again. I can't outline his face that well in the dark. I wish I could my hands out his cheeks to figure out what he is feeling. I feel as though my explanation didn't help ease his guilt to any degree.

"Is that why you're awake?" He asks, minutes after I spoke.

"If I responded yes or no, what would it change? Nothing," I respond to myself after no immediate answer.

"Would it help if I, or someone else, slept with beside you tonight?" He lifts himself to sit up.

"Then what? I manage to sleep soundly for one night, but what about the following nights? Will you always be there to comfort me?" I become more defensive the longer we speak.

"If that's the only way I can forgive myself for not offering to protect you and to see you more often then so be it, Sydney. Plus, seeing you fall asleep would make a great album in my gallery," he jokes which makes me want to laugh but I contain it.

"Thanks for the joke but I was serious, Satoru," I lift myself off my sleeping position. "There's no point beating yourself up for something that would ultimately turn out useless. And there's also no point in me getting angry at the idea that your protection could have any effect on me to begin with when I can clearly that your intentions were in the right place," I decide to add on.

This is the first time I spoke my mind to someone I liked. Although I did sugar coat a few parts of the speech, I expressed all the pints that were lingering in my mind. Very often, I convince myself that men do not want to hear my honest opinions. Let alone debate with me. I hated that I would hold back but I know how unprogressive our society is and how it would take much longer for men to view women's perspective as valid as their own.

"I was also being serious, Sydney." I felt his breath getting closer to mine. "If you want me to sneak into your bed every single day for a year or more, just say the word and I'm all yours."

"You shouldn't spew none sense like that, otherwise I might get the wrong idea. You're a businessman for goodness sake," I laugh to myself. "You travel 24/7 and get no rest and you want me to believe that you'd sacrifice so much profit for me? A friend you just met?"

"You've never been a friend to me," he firmly states. "You're right that I do tend to travel very often along the year, but FaceTime could always work."

I roll my eyes and this ridiculous idea. Once again, his heart is in the right place but his plans work against realism. I won't lie and say it doesn't make my heart flutter that he wants to do this much for me. It's been so long since a man has made me feel this special.

"I can call you every night and we could video call while we sleep. It'll be as if I were there with you. I know it sounds childish but it's worth trying."

"The fact that you're going beyond for me is too kind and I'd never allow you to do it. I appreciate your effort, but it'd kill me not to owe you back," I touch his hand apologetically.

"I mean, if you want, you could give me a kiss for every night we sleep together. It's the only thing I see equivalent to sleeping with you." I can feel his smirk growing on his face.

"If you're traveling, you would never be able to receive them," I play along with his proposal, lingering my finger on his palm.

"Then you'd have to repay me for the night I miss before every departure. Starting tonight," he leans into my face with hands grabbing my cheeks.

"You can't kiss me," I gently push him away from my face. His head is resting on my chest while his hands are wrapped around my neck. "You like someone else and I can't ever betray them like that." I feel guilty. I am flirting with someone who doesn't belong to me.

"And who is that?" He lifts up his head and I can feel him glaring down at me.