THis is not About lovE

not a love letter

3 Jan 2022

dearest t,

even if you want nothing to do with me now, i don't know why i can't feel anything about it. sure, the very thought of you makes my chest ache, but i don't feel any hate. just hurt and a lot of unanswered questions. you want me to move on, but you're not helping me do it.

wanna count with me?

first, your reason is not clear on why. why you want me to stop. you wanted this first, t. i guess nothing is ever permanent but the impermanence of it all, isn't it?

second, i'm writing this to move on. writing has been my thing, what i do to release emotions and feelings. it helps me evaluate and think more clearly and just release tension. i don't care if you don't want me to write about you. this isn't a love letter, anyway.

third, what i said's true, by the way. i don't want you to be a stranger. i don't want to cut ties with you. you said you want to be friends, but you're making it seem like you want me out of your life. do you want me out of your life? what did i do to deserve this?

fourth, communicate. c o m m u n i c a t e, for fuck's sake. i am not Blues Clues or some detective. i can't read your mind. i am not a psychic. make things clear. tell me what you want to do. tell me things bluntly. i know it'll hurt but i'd rather feel it than think about it. stop sending mixed signals. that's one big red flag i should've seen early on, but my dumbass gave you a chance. please learn from this.

fifth, don't hurt people. words are like pointed-edged swords. words can make you feel a lot of things. words can make you feel the highest of highs at one time and the lowest of lows at the next. don't say things that you don't mean. think about the person on the other side of the screen.

sixth, reciprocity. you're all about reading the signs and shit, and yet you're absolutely naive and clueless. return the energy someone gives you, and if you don't feel like reciprocating, tell them. don't let them think about it. just tell them.

seventh, time. you have a lot of time on your hands. don't rush to do shit. stop worrying. you have more hearts to break (including yours), more lessons to learn, more skateboards to skate, more friends to make, more dreams to achieve, more books to read, and more. you know that already. probably.

eighth, be true to yourself and to others.

ninth, grow up. you're young pa naman, but grow up. think about your actions and their consequences.

tenth, good luck.

more to come.