Better Hollow {Finished}

Catharsis

Catharsis:

Months went by, Christmas is two weeks away. Ramona's heart was slowly being pieced back together. Her dreams of James were gone, her bed no longer cold. Though the vacancy inside her still existed, she'd grown to find comfort in it. She'd decided that perhaps she's better off hollow.

Her smile had found a way to return, finally finding joy in the things she used to. Though it still pained her to see him, it didn't hurt as badly as it used to.

Ramona had discovered a great many things through her heartbreak. She'd realized her hatred of departures, specifically sudden ones, with zero explanation. It wasn't the leaving that killed her, it was the lack of reasoning. Without an answer, she was left with the one person who could never leave; herself. Mirrors became her mortal enemy because every time she passed one, she'd pick herself apart, absolutely positive that the reasoning for her abandonment was inside herself.

Ramona also learned that no one can be forced to change. Most days, Ramona woke up missing James, wanting to turn her back on all the progress she'd made, and go back. It was Mabel that told her, "Ramona, every day James wakes up and chooses not to be in your life. He spends his days, deciding not to come back. James wakes up, and he decides to partake in the silence."

One of the things that really helped Ramona, was to stop expecting James to show up at her doorstep. Ramona still longed for a reaction, even for the anger that had once horrified her, anything that wasn't his absence. She stopped expecting a grand apology, she didn't expect one at all. Instead, she decided to believe that one day, in his darkest hour, he would understand what he did.

The hardest lesson to learn, was that not everyone deserves another chance. Ramona spent her sixteen years of living, believing that there is good in everyone. She still believes that there's good in everyone, but not everyone deserves to have that good be seen.

It was after all these lessons had been learned that James came about. Ramona was out in the backyard, wearing her plaid winter coat, playing fetch with Cooper. The air was cold, the kind that burnt her nostrils when she took a breath in.

At first, Ramona didn't see James, too blinded by the free-falling snow. Her head swiveled, and she realized that she wasn't seeing a phantom. "I'm sorry," James said, standing tall in the snow.

"I know," Ramona told him, throwing the ball once more for Cooper. It was then that James truly saw the changes in her. More had changed than her hair, and the complexion of her skin. She seemed better, more grounded, almost at peace.

"Ramona, I want to fix this. I've spent the last three months, regretting what I did and how I treated you. You were right. I want you, Ramona. I understand that now," James told her, putting himself on display for her.

"James, I'm not yours to have. I spent six months crying over you. You let me down, I put my faith in you, and you let me down. I do hope that you're sorry, but I don't forgive you. For three months, we didn't speak, and you didn't try at all. I convinced my family that they didn't know you like I did, but now I see that I never did know you. You can't fix this because there's nothing left to fix, and even if there was, I wouldn't let you try," Ramona said, finally turning to face him.

The softness she once saw in him, was gone. The illusion she'd believed in for so long, had finally broken. "Please, let me prove to you that I've changed," James pleaded with Ramona.

"No. My answer is final. I was a fool for too long, and I refuse to resume my place at your feet. I'm no longer your doormat for you to wipe your muddy shoes on when you're done with other girls. There is nothing left for me to say to you, now go," Ramona concluded, looking at James.

Ramona called for Cooper, bringing him inside the house, leaving James stranded in the yard. For the first time in her life, when leaving, she didn't look back. It all seemed to come together; old ways don't allow for new opportunities. When an old door reopens, there will never be anything new that it has to offer. 

Life isn't linear, and each failed love is a lesson. It's important to look for warmth inside, instead of trying to find it in other people. When it's finally realized that the heart is most times broken by its owner, the healing process can begin. It's better to adjust to someone's absence, than change boundaries in order to accommodate their disrespect.