you are finally here

Chapter Two

After five months of being free, the void was still there. You've met numerous people, joined different groups, tried different kinds of vices but never once an ounce of pain disappeared. It was still there but you chose to ignore it.

You continued working in the same company as them carrying the belief that you are okay. But when you are alone, you are silently hoping to be truly okay. And for the pain to vanish, but it never did.

A month ago, you started dating this guy who you thought will be the one. The guy who will give you everything you prayed and asked for. He was sweet but secretive, he takes care of you but asked so much in return. You were aware that he is taking advantage of you but you need it for your little show - that you have moved on, that you are happy.

A colleague invited you to attend a Youth Service, but since you didn't like being alone, you agreed to it even though you do not have the slightest idea what that is about. When you arrived at the place, that's when you realized that it was a born-again Youth Service, one that you have attended in the past but didn't interest you to keep going. The preacher was a young man maybe in his late-twenties or early-thirties. Most of the people that were there were students, hence the Youth Service.

The preacher talked about 'Great Faith' specifically how the Hebrew people endured pain, suffering, and persecution in order to follow Christ. The word 'endure' resonates with you. You felt courageous and hopeful to keep going. That the pain will not stay and in time you will truly and genuinely be okay. And all of sudden, you found yourself in tears, tears that you have been trying to let out for months but they just won't leave you. You felt good and for the first time in a long time, you felt relieved.

After the service, you have this sudden courage and braveness in you to face another day. You even approached the preacher to let him know that his words moved you and when he asked you for any prayer request, you told him 'healing'. During his prayer, you cried again but it was okay.

From that day on you decided you wanted to know God – like really know Him. So you started going to church, attending service, join a bible study group. You found a new place to be around people, but the fear of being alone is still there. You spent most of your Sundays at church, it gives you the strength to go through another week. Another week to prove that you are indeed doing okay.

They say faith in the Lord comes with obedience and surrender. Yes! You surrendered your pain to Him but not every area of your life. There are still so many things that you wanted to keep with you. You obey some of His commands but you don't follow Him on everything. You decided to keep your 'relationship' with the guy you are seeing despite the red flags waving in your face. You know it's wrong but you tried your best to justify your actions – you are not doing anything wrong.