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Prologue

I never thought that leaving will feel like this. Alam ko sa sarili ko na matagal ko nang gustong umalis -- matagal na akong sabik mamuhay mag-isa, maging independent at malaya. The day that I came to decide about my plan feels so light;  it's liberating, so I thought. But now that I am sitting here in the airport while waiting for my flight to be called, parang masusuka ako sa kaba at takot. Pakiramdam ko hindi pa nga ako nakakaalis ay nangungulila na ako sa buhay na maiiwan.

I graduated from college with flying colors, at dahil na-swertahan sa panahon I get to study the program I've been wanting for so long. Like the usual plot in some stories, ayaw ng mga magulang ko ang kursong natapos. Instead, they wanted me to become a doctor pero kahit anong kumbinsi ko sa sarili, ayaw ko talaga 'e. So as a way to compromise, I needed to be the best in our class so that I can have a chance to pursue what I really wanted -- journalism.

Mahal ko yung field na pinasok ko, after all, entering the realm of the editorial world had always been my dream. At first, I thought I only wanted to be a writer, a part of the creative team but later on, I realized something, I do not just want to work under the shadows of anyone, I wanted to be seen. I wanted my work to be recognized as mine, no one else but mine.

When I was in high school, I thought that having an accomplished life means being the most successful in your field -- I thought that it is only when you become the best. Yet after years of pondering through, I realized it wasn't.

I've been doing well in my job. I landed so many projects for the past years that I couldn't deny that I am able saved enough to sustain myself for the next ten years. Maayos yung buhay ko. Maganda ang lagay ng pamilya ko. Nakabili na rin ako ng condo sa Maynila; nakatulong na sa pagtatayo ng negosyo ng pamilya  sa probinsya at napagtapos na rin namin yung dalawa ko pang kapatid. Stable na yung buhay namin ngayon, 'di gaya noon na halos isang kahid, isang tuka lang kami. Kung dating mga kakilala ko siguro ang tatanungin, aakalain nilang payapa na ang buhay ko. They might thought that I've been living my best life already. So they assume

Pero kahit gaano kamukhang kaayos ang isang bagay -- no matter how stable and peaceful my life seems to be, deep inside I know it wasn't. I'm not at peace, not yet.

Masakit. If having this life meant losing the only person I ever loved, I guess all these are nothing but a mere definition of living. It took me years to understand what I had lost and it pains me so much now that I realized I've wasted a chance to be with the man who is worthy of lifetime love. Only if I had known this is how all those things will turn out to be, bakit ako bibitaw? But yeah, it's too late to have myself contemplating about that now. Nangyari na 'eh. Nakalipas na. Hindi na maibabalik. 

Yet, all the painful experiences we had encountered might have bear fruit.

He's now a pilot while I became a chief editor in a publishing company, currently planning to enter law school to grant my life-long dream. If you'll ask me, yes, this might be the life I wanted but certainly, not the kind I dreamed of having.