Her

Chapter 2: Before Her

Before Her, I was unhappy. I fell into so many bad habitats. It was too often that I would block the world out with sounds and distractions that no one would think about or would ever really want to do to themselves. I found that music was my only family, my only friend. That was all I had. I would cry and cry to the point that it is now hard for me to cry in the present. Before Her, I wouldn't eat or sleep. I would just stay in bed and stare blankly at the wall or ceiling. I can't begin to count the nights where I would stare just as blankly out my window. Talking. Talking to the moon as the sun began to set and the moon started to rise and become my friend. 

I found comfort in anything else but people. I found comfort in my bed. The moon. The stars. And so much more that I can't even remember.

Before her, my heart was a void. I felt nothing but emptiness and darkness. I pushed the people I loved the most away. It was like every cheesy American-high-school romance book or movie where the main character will just abandon the boy until he is ready to fight for her again. Accept. No one fought for me. I fought for myself. I would stare and absorb all of the sky as night began to fall and I began to think of all the people who would be affected by my death or the fact I was gone from their life. It hurt me more. It hurt me. Not them. But me.

'I need to go' I said to myself as days had passed. Then weeks, then years. God. Everything and everyone was blocked from my life. I wouldn't let them in. I lost one of my closest friends because I couldn't let them into my heart. I didn't want them to see or share my pain. I couldn't let them. I remember one time when one of my friends was softly speaking to me as I began fall silent. They looked directly in my eyes. And asked me. The one question I always try to avoid.

"Are you okay?"

In truth, I am not, I wasn't. But they looked at my eyes. They didn't need to hear an answer. They wrapped me in a loving and warm embrace as I felt a soft stream of tears run down my face. From that day, I learned to read people. Read their eyes, their actions, their habits. No one noticed that I was in pain accept them. So I made it my mission, to find anyone like me, so I could make it easier for them.

I found her. It was never really my intention to find her in the way I expected to. She wasn't 'a charity case' as some of my other online friends thought. I found her, for who she was, and who she wanted to be. The first time we had ever been in a VC together, she was nervous. Her voice was slightly shaky and somewhat quiet. Normally, I wouldn't have noticed but I was just as nervous as she was. As the VC grew longer, we started laughing and joking. I become very loud and comfortable with people when I am having a nice time with me. That's what happened with her, I became very loud, very quickly. But then, she went on mute. Someone had walked into the room, they didn't sound pleased with her in the slightest. 

When unmuted herself again, she seemed off. She seemed quiet and not very talkative like she was before. I knew something was wrong then. I don't know whether she had been crying or anything, but she was in pain. Maybe not physically, but emotionally for sure, I could hear it in her voice. That's when she told me. She had to go, she had to leave the VC we spent so long in. I said I had a nice time talking to her and wished her a good night to try and make her feel a bit better.

I didn't find out until today that I was correct about my assumption. Today is the 8th January 2022. When I found out, I felt pain again, for the first time in a long time. It is painful to know she is hurting or was and no one really noticed accept for me, the one person who could do very little about it. 

Is this really what people do to each other?

Yell and scream to just tear someone down? To get their own way?

I will never understand others. But her. I understand. I don't think that I will never not understand her. She is a lot like me. I think that's the sad point- it's so strange and heart breaking to see someone in a close-to-identical situation. But I need and want her to know for always and forever, that I love her. And before her, I wasn't happy. She makes my day so much brighter. Some days we talk very little but she knows that I love her and I am probably just busy.

She is the sun to my moon. She is my light in darkness. She is nothing but the most amazing person in the world to me. She is kind and beautiful. She is smart and funny. She is overall so special to me it's difficult to express my love for her into words. I remember one time with her. And I will forever remember it because it hit so close to home. She pointed out her stretch marks and said they were ugly, she said that to me. I couldn't help but tell her how beautiful they were and if she were here with me, how I would kiss each and every one and tell her she is beautiful and valued she was after each and every kiss that I would plant on them.

I love her so much. More than she will ever know. She may say she loves me more but I think we both know that I love her more. She is my world, my everything and so much more. I can't believe she is on her way.

{To Be Continued}