bloom // jake kiszka

4.

I realize I've been sitting in my car for quite some time when I'm pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of a car pulling up and parking out front.

Jake's car.

****

I am entirely too upset in this moment to face him.

I'm balanced right on the edge of telling myself to calm down, and storming over to his car, letting the upset consume me.

I decide to take a deep breath and make my way inside. By the time i get up to the door, he's out of his car, trailing behind me.

"We need to talk about this" he says, as we begin to walk up the stairs and through the hallway leading to my apartment. "Apparently, we don't." I retort bitterly.

He stops me in my tracks by grabbing my hand, turning me to face him. "We can't just ignore this again" I stare at him for a moment, not really sure how to respond. He's right, we can't ignore it.

I don't want to ignore it. But my stubbornness tells me to be petty and lean into my anger. I bite the inside of my cheek and take a deep breath.

"C'mon." I say, continuing the way to my front door, going inside and setting my stuff down.

I turn to face him, fiddling with my hands as the atmosphere grows stiff and awkward. I don't think either of us knows where to start. After a couple of long, drawn out moments, I speak up.

"How much do you remember?" I question, furrowing my brow. He takes a breath and runs his hand through his hair before responding.

"Everything." My shoulders drop. I think I expected him to have to think about it, that maybe his memory would've been spottier. That would make all of this a hell of a lot easier.

"Define everything" I say, as a last ditch hope that maybe he remembers a different, not so bad version, one that might excuse him for not bringing it up sooner.

"For fucks sake, please do not make me spell it out-" I cut him off.

"I don't want you to, quite honestly. I don't wanna hear about it, or think about it, but all this time I used you being drunk as an excuse for all the shit you said and now suddenly you remember it clear as day, so I'm just trying to figure out how much of it you actually meant, Jake."

He looks at me with sad eyes and shakes his head as he takes a couple steps towards me. "I didn't mean any of it. You have to know that...please tell me you know that"

"The thing is, I don't! And you keeping this as some little secret all these years as if it didn't even matter makes it all that much harder. Can't you see that?" I finish, getting more and more heated and falling right back into the hurt feelings I thought I had moved on from.

"You ignored me for weeks after it happened. When i finally remembered everything you already weren't talking to me! Has it occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, I was terrified I was gonna lose you?"

"Back then I thought that's what you wanted!" I fire back, both of our voices getting louder and louder as we continue.

"Haven't I proven to you time and time again since then that my world basically revolves around you? Why isn't that enough!?"

"Jake don't you dare turn this around and make me feel like I'm crazy for being upset about this. You have no idea how it felt-" "SO TELL ME!"

"YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T WANT ME!" I yell, the loudest my voice has been thus far. Suddenly, the room is completely silent other than our breathing, him staring at me a little taken aback. I don't think I've ever yelled at him before, at least not in a way that mattered.

I shake my head slightly, biting my bottom lip before I start again. "It doesn't have to mean anything tomorrow" I quote his own words from that night. "I follow you around like a lost dog...I don't mean anything to you-"

"Enough." He breathes out, finally cutting me off.

"You have no idea what it feels like to have the one person who means the most to you, look you in the eye and tell you that you're nothing to them." I say, my voice shaky as tears form in my eyes. He's still quiet, so I keep going.

"You don't know how humiliating all of it was for me. To have you treat me like I'm just your little play thing. Like I'm not even a person, let alone your best friend. To feel like you had been taking advantage of my feelings for you the whole time" My voice cracks at the end, tears falling down my face.

He stands there, staring at me with sympathetic eyes, and some tears of his own shimmering in streaks on his face.

"You broke my fucking heart that night Jake" I finish, staring at the ground, shaking my head and fiddling with my fingers.

He takes a deep breath, and we stand in silence for a minute or two as he processes everything I said.

Suddenly, he takes a step closer and puts his hand under my chin, to lift my head up and look at him. "I'm so sorry"

I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to stop the tears, as he continues. "I should have said something. I should've brought it up a-and made sure you knew that all of it was complete bullshit. I fucked up. I fucked up bad and I-" he pauses trying to gather his thoughts, his hand now softly placed on my neck as I stare up at him.

"And I'm just sorry. I swear to you, I didn't mean anything I said or did that night, not then, not now." He makes sure to look me in the eye when he says the next part.

"You are everything to me." He says with sincere eyes, looking worried that maybe I won't believe him. I gently put my hand on his wrist, his thumb rubbing just above my jawline.

His eyes are searching over mine, and it's not until this moment that I realize how close we are.

"Jake-" I start, but my words are cut off when he leans in and presses his lips against mine.

I inahle a sharp breath through my nose from the shock, but I'm quick to un-tense. A million thoughts start going through my brain before they suddenly disappear, and all I can focus on is him.

Our lips meld together like this is where we're meant to be, and I feel calm, yet my heart is going a million miles per hour.

The kiss is passionate but not in a lust driven kind of way, making it personal and gentle in a way that makes me feel so close to him.

We linger for an extra moment before pulling away slowly, pressing our foreheads together to stay close.

We stay there, taking it all in, savoring every second like it's our last.

I would've thought I'd be freaking out right now, but all I can focus on is this.

"Took us long enough" I joke quietly, after a few moments of comfortable silence. He gives a breathy laugh, turning his head to the side and standing up straight.

"Only a couple decades" He shrugs, teasingly. I grin up at him, and stand on my toes to press our noses together for a moment.

He pulls me in, resting his head against mine as we wrap our arms around each other.

I wish I could stay right here forever, in this moment, where for the first time in a long time, I don't feel stuck anymore.