bloom // jake kiszka

6.

3 am.
Thursday morning.

It's the week of spring break, and my 3 roomates have evacuated our suite, off on their own wild adventures, filling every moment of freedom with a memory to spare.

Sophmore year has been kind of a drag, so I don't really blame them for going all out for break. I'm still here at school though, I decided I'd rather have the dorm all to myself and take the time to relax. Like I said, this year has been pretty tiring.

However tonight, I can't sleep.

How could I?

I sit on the floor in front of the couch, sipping some tea, with my bare legs pulled in. Thinking about the events of this past night over and over again.

I was pretty tipsy earlier, but the alcohol has sort of drained from my system at this point, leaving my mind a lot clearer, and a lot more logical than it was hours prior.

I hear my bedroom door creak open but I don't turn to look, I just stay there, fixated on my thoughts.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, you good?" he says quietly. I look up at him and nod, giving a half hearted smile.

"Can I?..." he trails off, gesturing next to me on the floor. "Yeah, of course" I respond.

We sit, shoulder to shoulder, me in just a t-shirt and underwear, him sporting only his boxers, in complete silence.

I put my mug down on the table across from me and start fiddling with my fingers.

"This is kinda weird, huh" he exhales a laugh. I look over at him, wishing we could skip past the awkwardness.

"Kinda" I scrunch my nose and give a soft smile, before a small laugh sounds from both of our mouths.

"It doesn't have to be" he says, tilting his head at me, before continuing. "What's going on inside your head right now?"

He raises a great question. There's about a billion things going through my head right now, yet I can't seem to conjure up a cohesive train of thought. It's all just a big jumbled mess.

I take a deep breath and shake my head slightly, biting my bottom lip. "A lot." I pause. "I don't- Well- I just- I- Fuck. I don't know. What happens now?" I question, looking at him once again.

He goes to open his mouth to respond, but I start again before he gets the chance. "I'm like, terrified that we made some huge mistake. I mean, You're my best friend, I-I don't wanna lose you"

He takes my hand in his and gives it a squeeze. "You're not gonna lose me. Everything is gonna be fine, ok? We're gonna work it out." He nods with that last part, a sincere look written on his face.

After a brief moment of silence, I ask him the same question he asked me a few minutes ago. "What are you thinking?"

He tips his head back to lean against the couch and purses his lips. "Honestly? I'm thinking, and don't freak out when I say what I'm about to say...maybe this wasn't such a bad thing." His eyes stay looking up at the ceiling, his thumb tapping over mine.

What the fuck does that mean?

I begin to panic a little bit inside, while trying to maintain a somewhat collected demeanor. As the nerves bubble through my stomach, he speaks up again.

"Hold up, I think I should clarify on that a little bit. I don't think us, ehem, being together, was a bad thing. It was good to get it out of our systems...But I also don't think- and correct me if I'm wrong on this, that either of us expects it to go any further."

I release a breath that I didn't realize I was holding in, a breath of relief. I love him and all, just, not like that. I think my heart has always belonged somewhere else.

It's not like we planned it. We were drinking, and laughing, talking about our feelings and stupid shit from when we were kids.

I hadn't felt close to anyone like that in a while, and it'd been so long since I'd seen him. I think he's been feeling pretty lonely recently too.

I think we ended up together out of pure curiosity if I'm honest, because he's right. I don't think either of us had romantic intentions, we just sort of fell into it. Like we just wanted to test the waters.

"You're completely right. You have no idea how much of a relief it is to hear you say that" I respond, meeting his eyes.

"I'm glad we're on the same page...and listen, I was thinking that maybe we should keep this between us" he says carefully, before continuing. "I don't really want you know who finding out... What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?"

"Yeah, I think that would be best." I agree, nodding, giving a flat smile. "Every time I think of him, I feel so guilty." I add, staring at my hands.

"It's not like you belong to him. I mean, we technically didn't do anything wrong." he says, sounding like he's trying to convince himself.

"It feels like we did though." I say quietly, leaving us both to sit there with our thoughts.

Suddenly, he lifts his hand up, stretching out his pinky from a fist. "I guess it'll just have to be our secret then."

I interlock our little fingers together, looking up at him. "Deal." I smile.

He pushes himself off the ground to sit on the couch, sprawling out the length of his body to lay down. "Get up here loser."

I scoff and roll my eyes before getting up and joining him, cuddling into his chest. "Fuck I'm exhausted." He breathes out.

"Me too" I agree. We lay in the quiet for a couple minutes, our breathing getting slower as we begin to doze off.

"Goodnight" he mutters, half asleep. I let my eyes close as I grasp onto my last bit of consciousness to muster up a response.

"Night, Josh"