The Journey

Chapter 1

I couldn’t do it

All my teenage life I had waited for this moment

I had watched movies and even though I used to be fat and plump I had to get thin for that one man who was going to marry me

So I slimmed myself off for that one special person

I had all these ideas of what married life would be and the things I would do, just as in the movies

Every kind of toothpaste I had used to make sure that I never has bad breathe even in the morning, because I was afraid if I had bad breathe and had to kiss my husband then he wouldn’t love me and he would leave me

So I found ways to stop the bad breath, bought every mouth wash there could be, dieted for a life time until I got from 70kg to 55kg.

You’d think now that I am thin, everything would change.

I would feel sexy and beautiful and without flaws

Wrong. I don’t

At first of course I was so happy I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t look as beautiful as I thought I would and neither did I suddenly become a Victoria secret model. Although, there was something that really had me going for the diets and all those exercises.

I always imagined being carried around by my husband, and honestly I couldn’t imagine him doing that while I weighed more than a sack of potatoes

So I got thin and thin. I wanted my marriage to have a romantic side just like how it was in the movies

I wanted to cuddle and spoon and have gentle sex and wild sex and every kind of thing

 In my mind there was no better relationship than that of a man and his wife. Because it’s a relationship with no limits, it is that one person that you could do ‘anything’ with

I liked the idea of that

No limits

So I watched movies, you see I was a born romantic but I was also a very reserved person, the only people who actually knew me were my closest family and not even my closest friends knew me that much really

Sometimes, my married and unmarried cousins would come home for a sleep over and all of us girls would sit around in a circle in my room and talk.

My married cousins would always complain about their marriage and how horrible it was and how they couldn’t seem to control their husbands.

To tell you the truth I didn’t understand why a person would want to control their husbands

I mean wasn’t that the whole point? For both of them to be equal an understand each other and do anything they wanted to each other, because they could?

It all seemed absurd.

But you see, I was a shy and reserved person as I said and to top that I was unmarried, so I couldn’t really say all these things out loud so all I would do is ponder on this and get back to my novel

I didn’t understand how a relationship so perfect could be so ruined just by people not understanding and trusting each other

So I waited for my day, even though sometimes I would get this horrid feeling that I would never get married. That no one would want me. All those insecurities keep coming back and haunting me even though I wasn’t fat anymore

What  I learned was, that no matter how your body is, it really didn’t matter because you were who you were inside. You surely can change your body but you can never change your heart