"FRIDAY, MARCH 21
I HATE, HATE, HATE my martial arts class !! I'm not very good at it. And my karate instructor is CRAY-CRAY! He's always ranting about how he's the "greatest" this and the "strongest" that. But seriously, the only chops he knows about are PORK chops!
In gym, Sensei Hawkins made us line up military style with our hands at our sides. Then he paced the floor, mean mugging random kids.
"So . . . you little pip-squeaks have returned for more of the Hawk's infinite knowledge," he said mockingly. "Wise decision. It's a cruel, merciless world out there! The 'eye of the tiger' philosophy will only get you so far. But the 'claw of the Hawk' conquers all! It's sharp, powerful, and hangnail free-groomed with the nail clipper of RIGHTEOUSNESS! AIIEEYAAA!!!"
He hollered, did a side kick, and tried to finish with the splits. However, he only got about halfway down before he stopped abruptly. Then he pursed his lips and tried NOT to scream in PAIN. . . ."
"Students . . . ," he announced, "what I'm REALLY demonstrating here is my signature Hawk's Wing Stance! I used this move to defeat a gang of eleven bank robbers, armed only with my bus pass, a bottle of prune juice, and an empty Doritos bag!"
Chloe, Zoey, and I exchanged looks and then rolled our eyes in complete disgust."
"Perhaps one day, the Hawk will teach you this deadly stance. IF you prove yourselves worthy!"
When he jumped out of his "stance," his back went CRAACK!! He winced and did a cocky laugh.
"Now prepare yourselves, pip-squeaks! It's time to demonstrate what you've learned from the last class. Any volunteers?"
I tried to avoid eye contact. I was praying that if I was still enough, I'd blend in with the deflated basketball behind me. I heard Sensei Hawkins sniff the air and walk toward me.
"The Hawk's keen nose is picking up the scent of a COWARD! Right . . . about . . . HERE!" he snarled, and pointed at ME!
"All right, puny coward, throw a good punch or you dishonor this dojo!!" he screamed right in my face."
"That guy really needed to back off! I'm seriously allergic to big ugly JERKS.
The odor he was smelling was probably the liverwurst and tuna fish sandwich I smelled on HIS breath.
Then he pulled a pink cupcake out of his shirt, stuffed it into his mouth, and chomped angrily at me. The merciless chewing and smacking had me sweating bullets!"
"Then came the meanest, most threatening belch I'd ever heard! Even though it smelled like strawberries, he REALLY meant business!!
"Start punching!" he ordered.
I was so nervous, I actually forgot HOW to punch. I just stared at him blankly and tried really hard not to lose my breakfast.
"Did the Hawk give you permission to EYEBALL him?! NO! Just PUNCH!" he roared.
His face was really red. It made me think he was going to turn into the Hulk or something! But I guess his anger just made him want to eat more.
Before I could say "all-you-can-eat," he was holding a chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry on top. How is he storing that stuff?!
He must be some kind of magical FOOD WIZARD!
I FINALLY remembered how to punch and made a feeble attempt at an uppercut."
"NO!" He scowled with chocolate dripping from the corners of his mouth. "You call that powerful?! Roar when you punch, pip-squeak! Like this-HIIIYAAAAAH!"
"Oh, okay! Um . . . hi-ya!" I threw a weak jab and smiled nervously.
"NO! NO! NO!" he screamed, and stomped. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! DO IT AGAIN!"
The other kids looked almost as scared as I was.
Chloe covered her eyes. "This is too much for me! I can't watch!" she whimpered.
Zoey bit her nails. "Be strong! You can do it!" she mouthed to me."
"MacKenzie had this smirk on her face and was enjoying every minute of my public humiliation.
I closed my eyes, balled up my fist, and gave myself a pep talk. "Get it together, Maxwell! Throw a good punch or this guy is going to FAIL you! Think claw of the Hawk . . . claw of the Hawk . . ."
"Oh, look! The puny coward is tired!" he heckled me. "Anyone who takes a nappy-wappy in front of the Hawk gets nightmares! You hear that, pip-"
"HIIIIIYAAAAAAAH!" I screamed, and swung my fist as hard as I could.
CRUNCH!!!!!!!!
There was a collective gasp from the class. That's when I opened my eyes to see what had happened. Sensei Hawkins was lying on the floor, covered in his chocolate shake!!"
"OOOOOWWW!" he moaned, rubbing his cheek.
"OMG! SENSEI!" I cried. "I am SO sorry! My eyes were closed when I punched! I didn't see you!"
I felt terrible! Sure, I wanted him to shut up. But not like that! I tried to help him, but he insisted on getting up by himself.
"No . . . big deal," he said in a weak voice. "That didn't hurt at all! Ha-ha! OWW!" He grabbed his jaw.
Poor guy! I think I accidentally bruised his face. And his ego! The saddest part was that I made him spill that yummy chocolate shake he was slurping down. I felt morally obligated to buy him another one.
Although, I had to admit-it WAS a pretty good punch! Strong and powerful! Just like the Hawk!
NOT!! I just hope he gives this "puny little pip-squeak" a passing grade.
!!"
