your new boyfriend || wilbur soot angst

turning pain into music

TW// Eating disorder, thoughts of suicide, implied self-harm, feelings of not being good enough

Wilbur decided to play the guitar for a bit while his friends were probably having fun without him. Not bothering to make anything to eat even though he was hungry he didn't have any food in the house for a reason. It was yet another punishment he put himself through because he didn't feel worthy enough to even live on the same planet as other people. He thinks back to the time he was a the jubilee line and how he thought about how if he'd walked onto the tracks no one would save him. They'd be upset yes. Upset they are late to whatever they had planned that day. How no one would miss him if he just let go completely and gave up. Or back to the time he found out why the council put barriers on the tracks for situations wilbur thought if often. Or back to the time he had all of his pills laid out one by one ready for him to take but he backed out. To this day he doesn't know why he's even still alive. I mean it's not like he makes a difference or anyone actually likes him. He's been playing a character for so long he's forgotten what his actual personality is. Who he was. He didn't realise it at the time but he started writing a song about his experience at  the tracks. He sobbed and started singing lightly to the melody he was strumming on the guitar.

He stopped just as he finished writing it. He wrote the last few chords and lyrics in a song book he kept under his mattress so no one could find it if he had visitors. He checked discord to see a message from tommy asking him to vc. He agreed thinking he was streaming or something.

He joined and heard something he'd not heard in a while. Tommy was talking softly saying he found out about his ex and that he's sorry and if he wanted to talk to him about it sometime. Wilbur told him not to apologise and that it was his own stupid fault she left. Tommy asked what he meant but he refused to elaborate on it. He left the vc panicking realising that Tommy knew about what happened and will probably start treating him differently because he feels pity for him which he didn't want that's why he didn't tell anyone about it. His mind went into a spiral that only went downwards. When he finally realised the severity of what had just happened he went to the bathroom to go shower 'this is becoming a routine' he laughed sadly at himself as he reached for his blade. After he finished he had a shower this time he decided to put a shirt on yes it hurt but It was too cold to think about that. He was too caught up on how sore his stomach got from not having any food for the past few days, he started getting used to it though he decided to have sugar free gum to stop the rumbling from his belly. Though he'd never admit it out loud he liked how he was starting to look now that he was starting to loose weight and he didn't want anything to screw up his body from the way it looked like now and make him look fat although he was underweight he still couldn't risk it. He fell asleep into a dreamless sleep this time not having any nightmares. Having the first good night sleep he's had since even before the break up.

He woke up and felt refreshed and ready to stream he woke up pretty early so he decided on a early stream sending out a tweet saying he was going to be live

Wilbur soot
Heyyyyy I'm liveeee
Early stream today

He pressed the 'go live' button and put up the starting soon screen while he finished arranging things for the stream. He took the starting soon screen down and looked as happy as he could be to stream he asked chat how they were. There were alot of 'I'm good' and 'happy you are streaming' messages in chat this made him smile a genuine smile. He felt wanted and he was happy he was helping people.

Around 2 hours into his stream he ran out of energy. He was just building a house for fundy as a present. But he felt like he could fall asleep at any moment he told chat he was going to be ending soon. There were a few 'please don't' messages but he had already made up his mind as he looked closer at chat There were alot of hate messages like 'finally it took him long enough' or 'how could anyone listen to his voice for this long he's so annoying' he stared at the messages frozen for a few seconds before the mods deleted them. But it was too late he already saw them. What he didn't see was a few of his friends watching his stream while all of this was going on. He ended stream quickly saying goodbye to chat.