My lost love ||Chaerji||

Suicide note

To whomever this may concern.

I've lived a pretty awful life. I've been abused for years, physically and emotionally. I couldn't trust anyone. I lived in fear For my whole childhood.

Eventually my problems were solved when my mother got arrested. At least I thought. I was so happy after that. I lived in my house by myself. I know young teenagers don't usually live by themselves but I had no one to live with. I had a distant relative that paid for everything but wanted nothing to do with me. I was fine with that because I didn't need her. I can survive alone.

When I started high school, I met this beautiful girl named Lee Chaeryeong. I loved everything about her. Her smile, her personality, her intelligence. Every single thing. That was when I was first coming to terms with the fact that I had homosexual feelings. I thought they would go away eventually but as I got older, they just got stronger.

I would always try to act cool around her but it always backfired. It always resulted in her getting hurt some how. I was hopeless. There's no way a beautiful popular girl would like a weird nerd like me right?

Wrong. After we started to know each other more, we became closer. That only made my feelings grow even stronger which I thought was impossible.

Everything changed when she got a boyfriend. I let the jealousy take over and I completely ignored her for days. Every time she'd approach me In school, I'd pretend she wasn't there. That is, until one day she came to my house when her mother passed away. She said she needed me. That's the first time I've ever heard that.

She kept questioning why I stopped talking with her. I was trying not to admit because I didn't want to ruin our friendship even though I already did.

I confessed. I told her I liked her for years. I thought she would get mad but instead she kissed me. It was the most magical thing ever. It's indescribable.

We became girlfriends after that. I was the happiest I've ever been. Even though we've had some issues.... We always solved them.

I was so in love with her. I wanted to be with her forever but that's just a dream right? Dreams like that don't come true.

She got into an accident after she accused me of cheating. I stayed by her side through it all even though I was hurt also. She got better eventually and I thought we'd go back to where we were before.

One night she took me on a date to stargaze. It was beautiful. Looking at the stars above me and the star next to me. We talked about our dreams. She was very passionate about dancing. She wanted to become a teacher who owned her own studio. I fully supported her an I would do anything to be with her through that journey.

She proposed to me with a ring that was passed down from her mother. It was simple yet elegant. I promised to keep it and take care of it forever. We were fiancés.

That was the last night I had with her.

The next morning, I found her dead beside me in bed. She died in her sleep from a seizure which led to a stroke.

I entered a stage of depression. The love of my life was gone. I tried to stay strong for her but I couldn't. My heart was completely shattered. I started becoming delusional without her. I felt weak. My thoughts were making me crazy.

Now I'm here. Standing with a rope in my hands. Writing this letter just in case anyone finds it.

If it's found by the police, I have nothing to say to you.

If it's found by Ryujin, Lia or Yuna, I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I'm sure it's very scary but I had to do this. I can't suffer anymore. Please believe me when I say I love you. As friends of course. You guys were always there for me. I'm glad we've become close over these past few months. I'll never forget the memories we've had.

If this is found by Chaeyeon, thank you for letting me be with your sister. I started getting close to you and I am very grateful for all you've done for me. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect her. Please don't resent me for this.

If this is found by Hyunjin, I know we have met not too long ago but I started considering you as a brother. I know we've been without each other for 18 years but I feel very close with you. I'm glad you've come into my life. Sorry I couldn't spend much time with you.

I'm sorry guys but I'm leaving now. I need to reunite with Chaeryeong. I love you all so much. I'll miss you too. I hope we can all meet again in heaven. I'll be waiting.

Good bye for now

~Hwang Yeji.